Coming Out ! At least, on this forum [Archive]

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mrscigarettes

10-22-2009, 05:37 AM

Ok, sorry if it's not appropriate or if there's already a thread about it. I'm new here, so maybe i didn't check everything yet... :blink: (sorry it's going to be a bit long)

BUT

i NEED to say IT ! I need to tell my story, even if we don't know each other. Saying it on this board is really important to me. In my mind, it's the first step ! I'm 23 years old, and since i'm a little girl, i have this "fascination" for women. When i was a little girl, i used to look at my friends mother at school with such admiration... Along the way, through the years, I didn't have a real boyfriend. Just guys i slept with... I was confused beacuse I can look at a guy for hours and find him cute, but once we were naked it was just a nightmare, a joke. Like sitting at a cinema watching myself with diet coke in one hand and popcorn in the other hand. I just couldn't stand looking a man naked. Just keepin my eyes closed and praying that it will stop very quickly. First i thought : "well maybe he wasn't the good one for me." And this thing was just keepin messin with my head. And then, it became worse. I had a friend who was really gorgeous, sexy. Sometimes, i was standing in front of her, looking at her talking to me, and i was like in heaven. I just had this silly smile on my face and seem to dive in her eyes (and everything else too lol). I knew that i found women very beautiful, and i just couldn't help myself looking at them the same way straight women are looking men. And then, there was this girl, absolutely beautiful, talking to me and all i wanted to do was to KISS her, to do everything with her. I just felt so comfortable with her, it was like being at home. I never felt this way with men. And time goes by...

I just carried this weight over the years. When I was 18 years old, i told my mum that i was bisexual. She just looked shoked and said : eeeer ok. It seems good but it's not. All i saw was just someone thinking to herself : "she's bisexual but she can marry a man and have kids once she will find the right one for her, someday." And she never really spoke about it again, even though i tried to. Now, it's different...

I don't really like to watch tv, plus Ellen Degeneres is not very known here, in belgium. Of course i knew about her, her show, her wedding, that she was gay. Several days ago, after looking some parts of TEDS on youtube, i thought : let's watch this famous puppy episode and her coming out.... I felt like watching myself fooling around all of those years and then maybe admitting that men were not for me. I was like : Hell, this is ME. And i thought she had the guts to do this and saying it out loud, this way. And i thought : thank you Ellen ! A real big massiv THANK YOU! But i was still a bit confused. Was it really real or not ? Did i think too fast ? Then, i've read that her ex, Alexandra Hedison, played in the L world. I never watched this serie before. Like i said, i don't watch tv that much. So i manage to see some episodes... And i was just like to myself : "what the hell are you doing ? Are you at the theater ? In which world are you living in ? Come back to earth, what you're watching right now, it's yourself. This where you belong". It may sound a bit stupid, thinking you're really gay after watching an episode but that was it ! It was a REVELATION ! It was OFFICIAL ! It was the last thing i had to feel to admit to myself : Yes, I'm GAY. It couldn't be more clear.

So the last thing i wanted to tell you is that i'm thinking about my coming out. To tell to my mum who i am. And it seems so hard... my father died 2 years ago (he knew i was bisexual by the time and was ok with it). I fear she would reject me. She is the last parent i have. BUT i think i have to tell her. I have to be honest with her, and she has the right to know what her daughter is. I think i'm going to write her a letter, she will be more comfortable reading a letter than looking in my eyes and feeling so ashame. It's going to be difficult for her, but i have to do this. What do you think about it ? I believe that the more i'm waiting the hardest it will be to tell her. Now, i'm full of strenght and if i think too much, i might want to step back.

Sorry for this looooooong post. But i felt it was important for me to tell you, on THIS board (about Ellen Degeneres - it's like a tribute lol). You all seem SO NICE . You deserve it ! I just want someone to wish me good luck lol. And to those who's planning the same thing as me, well, GOOD LUCK to you ! :) And thank you for your time ! (sorry for my english lol)

And yes... I'm Gay !:cool:

Nonona

10-22-2009, 06:12 AM

I hope your mum will be okay with it and she'll recognize how important it's for you. Good luck! :)

mrscigarettes

10-22-2009, 07:17 AM

thank youuu !!! :D

kwill

10-22-2009, 09:26 AM

Good luck. I'm sure your mother will be okay with it, maybe not right away but she'll accept it and love you for who you are.
If anything it will be a big relief to tell it to someone just like writing it here probably made you smile. ;)

Writing a letter is a good idea if you fear seeing her first reaction. That way she'll have some time to process and won't accidentally hurt your feelings by saying something stupid out of shock (if that makes any sense?)
On the other hand if you tell her face to face you get the most honest reaction, whether that's a good or a bad thing you can't really know beforehand though.

Coming out is never easy and should really not be an issue at all but unfortunately it'll probably be a long time before nobody really cares if you're gay or straight. :rolleyes:

mrscigarettes

10-22-2009, 10:35 AM

Hey Kwill, thanx a lot !

actually, if i want to write her a letter, it's not really because i fear her reaction (well, a little bit ! who wouldn't ? lol) , it's mainly because i don't want her to feel uncomfortable in front of me. She is a bit exessive and prude, so i don't want to fall into a drama scene, you know... i want her to read the letter and then, let her thinks about it and then talk with me quietly once she'll be ready to do it. I don't want to throw it at her face, she will feel very bad and i think her impression would be worst then what it's really is in reality...

And i agree with you, coming out should really not be an issue... but i think it's easier for us coming out in 2009 than coming out in 1985 ... things change, slowly but surely :)

kwill

10-22-2009, 10:43 AM

If that's how you think your mother will react you should definitely write the letter. There's no sense in causing a fight or a drama scene if it can be avoided.

mrscigarettes

10-22-2009, 10:49 AM

Lol, yeah, no drama scene ! I don't want to be killed without knowing what true love is... so i will try to put her at ease the best i can !!!

kwill

10-22-2009, 10:56 AM

I doubt she'll kill you :p
Might be best to remove possible weapons just in case :uglyconf:

cuore

10-22-2009, 03:13 PM

@ mrscigarettes

Good luck!!!!!!! Hope your mother give you just a warm hug after she read your letter and say nothing. Sometimes words are unnecessary...

btw, welcome to the forum :)

cuore

Appsius

10-22-2009, 04:36 PM

Hey good for you! Your story is very recognizable :)

Just a word of advice on the letter. Even though you won't get her initial reaction, it may well be awkward (or turn into a scene). I had that with a friend I came out to. I told one friend (who just stared at the wall for a minute, which she doesn't recall doing even) and then I told her to tell another friend. When I met the other friend and we started talking about it she suddenly started acting a bit awkward. Not because she was upset but just because she didn't really know how I would react and how to act herself. Anyways, you're right in that she'll have some time to think about it but it won't remove her feelings. Which you probably already know but I myself was actually quite surprised when my friend was acting all awkward even tho she was okay with it. It happens more often, people act awkward cause they don't know how to deal with it. Which is okay, if you're prepared for that. People have a lot of questions but they don't always ask them. Try and clarify as much as possible for your mum in the letter. You know your mum best so you know what to do best.
Good luck!

mrscigarettes

10-22-2009, 05:05 PM

HEYYYY GUYYYYS,

i just want to thank everybody who replied to my post with such a good support and great advice !!! Thank you so much !

Appsius : don't worry, i'll make it clear in my letter, and i want to do this the best way i can. i don't want to rush things at all. i know my mum very well, and i'm prepared it won't be easy. the letter is the best, i think. She is far too prude to take this revelation in her face. We love to be, we ARE honest to each other. We don't like to hide any truth to each other, even when it's harsh no matter what the subject is. And it will be the same for the coming out. I just want at least to try to make things the best i can. I will have tried. But i don't want to be "selfish" and throwing it at her face just because i want to feel free. Like i said, she is my last parent, i don't want to lose her, i don't want to break something between us. Even if i have the right to be happy and to enjoy my sexuality. I'm pretty sure she will still love me. Well, at least, i hope. But there is a big part of me saying to myself that she will still love me ! I will give her the time she will need to think about it, to feel at ease with this fact and to prepare the questions she will may want to ask me. It doesn't matter how long it will take. I want to tell her : "you'll have the time you'll need ! Once you'll be ok to talk about it with me, i will be there !" All i just want is not to live in a life where i have to lie everytime, or avoiding the question, or worst: feeling in a room with the big pink elephant. Doesn't matter how long it will take, what i don't want it's to pretend it doesn't exist. But i understand what you said and i thank you to give me the advice !! really ! i very appreciate !! ;)

Cuore: thank you for warm welcome !! and thak you to support me ! :D

you guys are the best ! it's the sweetest forum i've ever see !

mrscigarettes

10-23-2009, 05:50 AM

Hello everybody !!

i just wanted to tell you that there hasn't been no letter at all ! I just told to my mum i was gay today ! She had the best reaction i could have imagine ! She said she already knows and that she was prepared that one day i would come to her and say it ! She said that she have loved me being straight but no matter what, i'm still her daughter and that she just wants me to be happy ! It feels soooooooo gooood ! I LOVE MY MUM and i know i'm fucking lucky to have her ! because i know how much how hard it is sometimes when your parents don't want to hear this revelation !

anyway, i still have to do my coming out to my friends ! But i think it will be ok, now ! I wish to everyone to live the same thing as me, no matter how long it will take to say it ! I will tell you how it's going on with my friends !

AND THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT !! :D:thumbup:

arcticM

10-23-2009, 06:14 AM

CONGRATS!!! I'm so happy for you!!:d_cute:

treiner

10-23-2009, 06:22 AM

Hmmm...Welcome to the forum. I am very happy to hear of your success! :D

However, profanity is not allowed, sorry. :o :rolleyes:

mrscigarettes

10-23-2009, 07:03 AM

THANK YOU Arctic !!!!

Treiner : LOL sorry sorry about profanity ! I talked too fast ! Anyway, thank you (and i will be careful with my language :p)

Nonona

10-23-2009, 07:11 AM

THANK YOU Arctic !!!!

Treiner : LOL sorry sorry about profanity ! I talked too fast ! Anyway, thank you (and i will be careful with my language :p)
How dare you? :D

As I told you: I'm SO happy for you. :)

treiner

10-23-2009, 07:25 AM

THANK YOU Arctic !!!!

Treiner : LOL sorry sorry about profanity ! I talked too fast ! Anyway, thank you (and i will be careful with my language :p)

No problem! Just giving you a heads up. I used to be the worst offender here. Except maybe jordz...LOL :cool:

KIA10

10-23-2009, 08:12 AM

mrscigarettes

10-23-2009, 08:49 AM

thank you everybody ! i'm really enjoying my day !

Appsius

10-23-2009, 09:01 AM

That's great to hear! Congratulations :D

AnastasiaBeavrhausen

01-13-2010, 11:49 AM

Well I guess its my turn. A few of you know that I have always said I was straight and I was. WAS! 8 months ago today, a beautiful woman told me she was in love with me. I was shocked and told her I was straight. And we talked (texted) until 6am talking about this love she had for me. I was so scared and shocked. Because I didnt want to hurt her feelings and reject her.

We had our first "date" on my birthday and really hit it off. It was a great weekend. I was scared and so was she and what is funny is that we were sitting on the couch saying, "We arent lesbians are we?" "No we arent gay!" She is divorced and has 3 kids... me I was single at the time, and I almost got married to a man that I was with for 5 years.

The thing is, I came out to my mom and a few of you know here and she and my friends here were very supportive. My girlfriend however, is not out and its tearing her apart. She just told me today she is telling her kids this weekend and wants me to move in with her eventually and even talked about getting married since it is legal in Iowa. But this has been so hard on her because not want her kids to be bullied in school because the school district is having a problem with that. I think she is afraid of her kids wanting to leave and go live with their dad in Florida. One of her kids already lives there.

I am not all the way out and it took me a lot of courage to do it here. For those that know me on Facebook, please do not mention any of it there because I am still in the closet and waiting until its the right time to do it because I have so many high school and college friends that do not know yet.

I just ask for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Kim is going through a heck of a time because she is so scared, she is not sleeping, its tearing her apart and I am being patient. I also have come out to a few of my close friends here at home and have had nothing but support.

I just cant believe the love we have for each other. There have been good times and we have broken up I dont know how many time lol. But we still have this amazing connection that is so strong I cant even explain it. But she is the love of my life and I am proud to say I am a lesbian. We joke about it... she loves to call me one all the time. But anyway, I wanted to tell you all and it was hard to do this. But I ask for support and prayers for us as we go through this trial of coming out to family members, friends and others. Its going to be hard. But I feel that it will turn out okay. I am deathly afraid of her kids hating me so if anyone here has kids any advice would be great.

Thanks for listening and sorry for rambling. I tend to do that when I am nervous... Love you guys.:scoolblue::scoolblue::scoolblue:

jlilest

01-13-2010, 12:00 PM

I rather think I can't give you any advice, but I do wish you and your girlfriend all the best and I hope you both are able to work through this. :D

The_Oscar

01-13-2010, 12:19 PM

Honey,

I´m so proud of you and I love you and heaven on earth for both of you.
My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you.
If you need to talk/yell (you always do that!!!)/scream/cry/jump because of happiness etc you know where to find me.

Jats

01-13-2010, 01:34 PM

Well I guess its my turn. A few of you know that I have always said I was straight and I was. WAS! ....

AB: First, CONGRATULATIONS! This discovery may seem scary in the beginning but it is the BEST and MOST LIBERATING thing that can happen. Very happy for you. :D

It does take a lot of Courage to come out. However, there is nothing to fear but fear itself and these fears can be conquered one day at a time.

All these fears and "what..ifs" are results of our past conditionings by society which results in mostly our minds playing mind games with us. These are just obstacles that we need to overcome. Once we come to terms with that, let those go and we find a whole new world.

If I may offer some words of encouragement.....:p

Courage is never letting your actions be influenced by your fears.- Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Stand up to your obstacles & do something about them. You will find that they haven’t half the strength you think they have.” - N V Peale

It may not be a easy and or smooth path to travel but,
When the action is pure and selfless, everything settles into its own perfect place. Lao Tzu

And always "Be who you are and not what others want you to become"

Remember you are not alone..... you have a whole forum to support you....:uglyconf:

dolphin3

01-14-2010, 08:07 AM

Awe AB, I am so happy and excited for you!!!! You have found love! You and your girlfriend will come out to everyone necessary in all due time, don't stress too much over it. Those who truly know you both and love you both may have to pick up their jaws from the ground in shock at first, but they will. You will still have the love and support. You definitely have it here. Congrats to you and your love! :D

suki

01-14-2010, 10:49 AM

AB I have nothing but admiration for you for having the courage to come out to your mom and your friends on here. Even though it shouldn't still be such a big thing to do in this day and age, of course we all know it is and how hard it is to live an open life and tell the ones you love that you're gay, but I am so happy that you have found the love of your life and that you make each other happy.

A friend of mine had a similar experience to Kim, she met her partner a couple of years after she got divorced and had to tell her two kids who were 15 and 9 at the time that she was gay. At first they found it hard to accept, but at the end of the day she is their mom and they love her and once they had gotten over the initial shock they were fine and now they all live together as one big happy family (In fact I was there last Saturday for dinner :D) So even though it may be hard at first, they'll get used to the idea, I think the thing to do is take it really, really slowly so they have time to process it without everything happening at once.

But I wish you and Kim a long and joyous life together and I will thinking and praying for both of you as you continue on your journey :)

Lots of love Sue xx

AnastasiaBeavrhausen

01-14-2010, 11:04 AM

A friend of mine had a similar experience to Kim, she met her partner a couple of years after she got divorced and had to tell her two kids who were 15 and 9 at the time that she was gay. At first they found it hard to accept, but at the end of the day she is their mom and they love her and once they had gotten over the initial shock they were fine and now they all live together as one big happy family (In fact I was there last Saturday for dinner :D) So even though it may be hard at first, they'll get used to the idea, I think the thing to do is take it really, really slowly so they have time to process it without everything happening at once.

But I wish you and Kim a long and joyous life together and I will thinking and praying for both of you as you continue on your journey :)

Lots of love Sue xx

That is good advice. I am going to share that with her. Thank you all for your support. I told her I did this and she was like "WHUUT!" And I explained I needed to. And I will come out on Facebook when she comes out. She was going to tell her kids this weekend, but now she is afraid again and is holding out. But I will share this with her. We are both definitely afraid of the results. She said last night "They will just go live with their dad then if they dont like it!" And I told her that is so wrong because she LOVES her kids and I for sure am not going to be the one that breaks up a family. I told her that. She is very afraid that her kids will be bullied, that is her main concern, their friends. Bullying has been a big part of the school district. A freshman recently shot himself after the football team picked on him using Facebook and at school... Her one daughter is so sweet and popular and beautiful and is 13. She is mainly afraid for her, because her daughter was accused of being a lesbian with her best friend because they do everything together. Kim went to the school and said "What more is it going to take to get you all to recognize there is a bullying problem here" and told the principal about it. Apparently they talked to the girl that started the rumor and denied it but it has stopped. It freaked her daughter out. So we are hesitant. Me I need prayers in patience. I just want her to come out already! lol. But its easier said then done and she has way more to lose than I do. She wants me to move in with her, and I want to, but then I dont want her to lose her kids over me. That is not right. But she was curious to what people might of said here about the kid situation and suki, thank you. I will pass it along. Thanks for your support everyone. I just want to be with her, get married, and be with her for the rest of my life.

suki

01-14-2010, 11:33 AM

You're so welcome, if anything I can tell you will help in any way, then that's great. I know how hard it was for my friend Ros to tell her kids, I mean I've known her since we were in school and there was no indication that she was gay, but I think if you meet the right person for you then it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that has gone before.

The bullying thing is of course a worry, especially if it was girls saying that to her, she's probably going to be sensitive to it now anyway. And that poor boy who shot himself, that's terrible :(

I remember when Ros first came out to me, she was terrified of telling anyone really, but especially her kids. She had the exact same worry that they would go and live with their dad. It was her son Josh who was 9 at the time who reacted the worst to it, he was very angry about it for a while, her daughter Sophie was better about it, but she's always been a sweetheart and old for her age, but I think she was worried about school and her friends finding out, which of course is understandable. But Ros just carried on with their normal routine and didn't really change anything, she only saw her partner Gill when the kids were at their Dad's or other times when they weren't around so it was like nothing had really changed. I think the worst thing would have been if she'd suddenly brought Gill into it straight away, because then everything would have been different and they wouldn't have adapted to it. But once they realised that the world wasn't going to end Ros slowly introduced them to Gill and things went from there. Josh is 13 now and he's great and Sophie is away at college, but she comes home quite a lot, so they're just like any other family really.

B*EDPD

01-21-2010, 09:47 AM

I'm happy for everyone coming out :)

It annoys me that people have to go through this though.. the worrying and anxiety o wondering if they will accept it or not.

I mean i know you need to, because of the way the world is, but I really dont see the problem with people being gay... It just seems like any other relationship. Yet a lot of people I know, well, a lot of people in the world see it as a completely different thing, and worse, something lesser than "normal".

I really dont get it, and when I try to explain this kind of thing to people, they either refuse to agree or accept it, or accuse me of being gay.

Such immature people. Here I am saying this and I'm not even out of school yet!

Sorry for the rambling.. Im just not happy with the level of Equality in the world today. I wish all my gay friends/family could feel the same acceptance as everyone else. :(

britt.

01-24-2010, 04:25 AM

B*EDPD

01-24-2010, 05:45 AM

hi everyone,

im britt, im not new to this forum i've just been really shy :)
i don't know anyone here personally so i don't know if anyone will read this or even reply but i dont really have anyone else and it would just be soo good to know that despite how alone i feel im not.

im gay, there... i just wish it was that easy to say in my real life !
there is no-one to tell though, well nobody who wants to here it anyway. After years of struggling with it, i finally have realised the truth and i cant escape it anymore, i dont want to escape it !
so there you have it im out, well on here anyway :)

Good for you hun!

It must feel good to let it out.
If people love you, they should accept you the way you are. Or at the very least, respect it.

Good luck telling other people, and if they're cruel, no need to listen to them. At least you know there are plenty of people on this forum who accept it.

:D:D:D

britt.

01-24-2010, 09:14 AM

Good for you hun!

It must feel good to let it out.
If people love you, they should accept you the way you are. Or at the very least, respect it.

Good luck telling other people, and if they're cruel, no need to listen to them. At least you know there are plenty of people on this forum who accept it.

:D:D:D
thankyoooooou :)

suki

01-24-2010, 12:25 PM

hi everyone,

im britt, im not new to this forum i've just been really shy :)
i don't know anyone here personally so i don't know if anyone will read this or even reply but i dont really have anyone else and it would just be soo good to know that despite how alone i feel im not.

im gay, there... i just wish it was that easy to say in my real life !
there is no-one to tell though, well nobody who wants to here it anyway. After years of struggling with it, i finally have realised the truth and i cant escape it anymore, i dont want to escape it !
so there you have it im out, well on here anyway :)

Bravo, good for you, I'm sure you feel better saying it out loud, even if it is just to us on here :)

I totally know how you feel when you say that it's easier to tell people on here and not in your real life, because it's absolutely true. Unfortunately there are always people who can't or won't accept you being gay, it's just how things are, but hopefully things will change, I think we have to believe that they will.

But I'm really glad you overcame your shyness and posted how you feel :)

OZ__

01-24-2010, 01:22 PM

Hi Britt

Way to go.
I see youre from the same part of the world as me.;)
I float in and out of here .
It's not easy to come out.
BUT one often feels as if they have had aweight lifted from their shoulders.
Even if the rest of the world ~family or friends don't know.
Good on you.

britt.

01-27-2010, 05:02 AM

you're both right, its just such a relif to take some of that wight off my shoulders :)

kite92

01-27-2010, 01:45 PM

I didn't know this was here otherwise i'd have come for advice, i've been stressing about coming out to my parents and family for a while as i've knon for years i was gay but just felt hurrendious hiding it from them, however i never thought id have the nerve to do it properly.

2 years ago i told my friends i was gay, but i was in high school and in the end they ended up telling people without my knowledge, this then spread and soon i was getting talked about until someone came up to me like "OMG your a lesbian." I was then bullied at school. Since then i've been sort of weary about who i came out to and worried about what my family might think.

Last year i tried to tell them but for whatever reason, maybe the fact i wanted it to go ok so much they didn't believe what i was trying to get across to them, my mum thought i was trying to joke her and my dad thinks its a phaze.

However recently hes been trying to guess who the person is that i fancy and the other day he asked what "her name is?" so i told him and asked why my mum's not taking on board what ive been saying. He turned to me and went "because your not gay". I don't really understand how he can get that fromt eh conversation we were having and the fact that in march i will be 18 and yet have never once spoken to him about a bloke. Although he did carry on to say, but if you where it wouldn't make a difference.

I'm sorry this is long and kinda whiny im just sort of confuddled by all this atm its wierd cos at college all who need to know do so why is it so difficult witht he ones your care most about? All you people who've managed to come through this without being slightly crazy are wonderful cos this is flipping mad this :/