Best Joke/funny pages

[Stevearino]

This girl came home from the first grade one day and screamed "Mommy!Mommy!I'm the only girl in class who could spell my name!Is it because i'm blonde or smart?"
Her mother responded "It's because you're smart dear"!
A week later,the girl ran in again yelling "Mommy!Mommy!I'm the only girl in class who can count to 100!Is it because i'm blonde or smart"?
"You're smart dear"!
At the end of the year,the girl finally runs in screaming "Mommy!Mommy!I learned i should never take free rides or food from strangers!Is it because i'm smart"?
"No honey,you're 25"!

[hermaphrodite]

Dear Santa,

Please give me a baby brother..

Love, Tommy

Dear Tommy,

You'll get your baby brother,just send me your mother.

Love, Santa

:lol: :) :lol:

[lostioz]

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.



Stevearino, the pic in your signature is a little too big, please change that

[idildeniz]

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does." :D

[lostioz]

^^ lol good one idil

[idildeniz]

hehe yep,l really like it:D thx :P

[Razbo]

Why don't blondes eat Pickles?



They can't fit their head in the jar.


:-P

[idildeniz]

Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke"?

A: It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!


:P

[photo-nut]

a friend sent this to me


READ CAREFULLY!

I don't how many of you shop at Costco, but I just wanted all of you to know what happened to me. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. I just wanted to warn you so that it doesn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed. It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco.

You agree and they get In the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!
I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

[petal]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here is an example:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in future, likely think before she speaks. :oops:
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
There was a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too - they were laughing so hard!!!!!

[photo-nut]

:lol:

[petal]

I have a few blonde jokes; this is one that I HAVEN'T shared in the chat room!!!!

Two blondes are walking down the street, one notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar".
The second blonde says "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.......
The second one looks in the mirror and says "you dummy, it's me!!!!"

[petal]

Sorry girls, to the ones that have heard this in the chat room, but it's one of my all time fav. blonde jokes:

Q. What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?


A. Is it mine"???????

[edfan24]

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does." :D

Lmao. Haha. Now that is a good joke! :D

[idildeniz]

A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.

Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:"

"Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride. He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.

His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?'

"And so, here we are!" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[petal]

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

This is someones (not mine!!!) funny story about their young son:

My three yr old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on to him constantly......
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a dining room full of patrons.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course checked my seven-month-old daughter - she was clean.
I then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any spare clothes with me!"
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"NO" he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo I asked one more time.............
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled -
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!!!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better - thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!!!!!

[Elise]

Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes? The police thought it was a cereal killer.

(oki this is not my best one :P )

[idildeniz]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[BiggestEllenFan]

haha, thats the best one yet!! thankss :lol: :D

[idildeniz]

Your Welcome :D

[Stevearino]

Good one idildeniz!"Getchmis Olsun" as you guys say over there... 8)

[edfan24]

Lmao that one is preeeetty great :D

[idildeniz]

Gay Revenge
A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The lover terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire." :lol: :lol: :lol:

[petal]

mine is but a simple joke and i hope it doesn't offend anyone:

Q: What goes clip-clop clip-clop...bang-bang....clip-clop clip-clop????



A: An Amish drive-by shooting!

[Elise]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: that mom is certainly not stupid! :P

[misrisdee]

my all time favorite...short and simple.

What do you get when an elephant and rhino combine??!



















elephino!!!! Or if you couldn't understand my spelling... it is supposed to like be "hell if i know"...elephino!
hehe!!

marisa.

[idildeniz]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[charly]

Two guys are having a conversation, one of them says:
"I think my wife is dead."

"What do you mean you think you wife is dead ?"

"Well, the sex is still the same, but the dishes are pilling up..." :lol:

[idildeniz]

A Week in Hell
A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."

"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."

And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays." :P :P :P

[Stevearino]

http://www.cosgan.de/images/smilie/konfus/a020.gif We're gonna have to do our homework on that one gulbie... http://www.cosgan.de/images/smilie/konfus/a050.gif

[Humanafterall]

Set up: I heard that there was Ice in LA California. So i wrote Ellen a monologue about it. If she doesn't like it, or doesn't read it. At least all of you will. :)

HAA

Ice isn't just for drink glasses anymore

"Something very unusual happened in L.A. over the Christmas break. We had an ice advisory…Now usually this only happens when mama needs ice for her drink. I know people. (Raise eyebrows).

But this was different this advisory was on the television and on the radio.

I noticed that the local reaction to the advisory was crazy. People were buying water by the gallon full and food for a month calling loved ones in Maine to tell them they loved them. It was like World War three or the end of the world was fast approaching us but no…just ice.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing on T.V. So I got in the car to see what was going on. I took along my blue winter coat, white hat, white Isotoner gloves and white scarf. I like my accessories to match. Mama always told me to be prepared for anything.

I also brought a cooler full of nectarines because you never know when they may be needed. They are delicious…especially with some sugar.
I also needed something to munch on while watching the workers clean up the ice.

So I get to the interstate and there are orange cones in the way...blocking a lane. Well obviously they were in the way of the on coming traffic…so I moved them (your welcome). Traffic is crazy enough in L.A. without those cones in the way.

Apparently there was a purpose for the cones.

Soon after I moved the cones I discovered the ice. I slid into work three days early.

Does anyone have an extra muffler? No???

Well there is nothing more I can do, now….but dance. Jonnie make me dance.

Jonnie plays “Ice, Ice baby”

[itrack4u]

So I get to the interstate and there are orange cones in the way...blocking a lane. Well obviously they were in the way of the on coming traffic…so I moved them (your welcome). Traffic is crazy enough in L.A. without those cones in the way.

Apparently there was a purpose for the cones.

Soon after I moved the cones I discovered the ice. I slid into work three days early.

Does anyone have an extra muffler? No???

Well there is nothing more I can do, now….but dance. Jonnie make me dance.

Jonnie plays “Ice, Ice baby”


Good gravy, Human that is absolutely hilarious. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Humanafterall]

Thank you tracky. I really appreciate it.

Kate

[idildeniz]

TELEPHONE CONVERSATION JOKE:


"Hello"
"Hello"
"Is that you, Larry?"
"Yes, this is Larry."
"Are you sure this is Larry."
"Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !"
"This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?"
"I'll tell Larry when he comes in."
:lol:

[itrack4u]

:lol: :lol:

[Humanafterall]

Idil that is so funny. Thanks
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Kate

[idildeniz]

hehe,your welcome kate:)

[lostioz]

not funny but interesting!!

Believe It Or Not!

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

[idildeniz]

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I? :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Humanafterall]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[itrack4u]

:lol:

[ed_pd]

:lol:

[idildeniz]

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Humanafterall]

hmmmmmmmmm mmm :)

*scratches head* Is that supposed ta be a joke, 'cause i don't get it.

I AM JUST KIDDING. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks again idil

[photo-nut]

:lol: :lol:

[KP18]

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Oh my gosh! That cracked me up big time! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks idildeniz. :)

[idildeniz]

your welcome hehe 8)

[idildeniz]

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.

Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: (that was so funny lol)

[Stevearino]

1:Yo momma's so stupid,that when i told her to turn the t.v. on,she started strippin! :lol: :lol: :lol:
2:My computer is like Britney Spears...cheap,white,and plastic! :P :P
3:Why did the boy scout get kicked out?He was caught eating a brownie! :mad:

[idildeniz]

Two friends:

- I heard that you have founded a musical band.

- Yes, it is a quartet.

- How many are you?

- We are three.

- Three?

- Me and my brother.

- You have a brother?

- No, why do you ask?

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[lostioz]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

__________________________________________________ _______

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

__________________________________________________ ______

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

[YesIam]

Is it cold? Not yet!

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.

People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Vantaa River gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heating in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer Celebrations - autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris starts cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (Santa Claus lives there) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their traditional booze Koskenkorva outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
All atom-based movement halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest. (ok, this is old, we win this year).

[Humanafterall]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

good one :)

[jordz_ellenlover58]

Dad brought this one home from work.. kinda silly, but amusing..

What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?




















...Goes home.

[itrack4u]

:lol:

[idildeniz]

A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!



:D

[GuLbErK]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Stevearino]

It's just the cab drivers!
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/01/08/national/main2335684.shtml

[idildeniz]

This little boy was at school one day and had to use the bathroom really bad. So he raised his hand and told the teacher he had to use the bathroom really bad. She said ok well let me hear your ABC'S first so he started saying them" A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y and Z and the teacher said that's great but where's the P at he said it's running down my leg!
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[petal]

Subject: Menopause Jewelry



My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f@#$ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

[Stevearino]

Q:What's the difference between a hedgehod and a porsche?
A:A hedgehog keeps it's pricks on the outside!

[Loopy_loo]

ok, not my best but ill post a few as i remember them.


A blonde and brunette are walking down the road and the brunette says "oh look a dead bird".
So the blonde looks up at the sky and says "where?"
:P

[idildeniz]

Women's Vocabulary


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Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

<Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

<Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".



:lol: :lol: :lol:

[blueberry01]

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

[roxyrocks]

NO NURSING HOME FOR US



No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188 per day, there is a better way to live when we get old & feeble.
We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call an ambulance or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grand kids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?

So, when we reach that golden age,
we'll face it with a grin.

[idildeniz]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.
8)

[AnastasiaBeaverhausen]

This is from Pulp Fiction

There was a daddy tomato, a mommy tomato and a baby tomato. The baby tomato was lagging behind so the daddy tomato went up to the baby tomato and smashed him and said "Ketchup".

[itrack4u]

Love it!!

[lostioz]

not really a joke but a test i found, I'm one of the 55%
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_509.htm

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.

[itrack4u]

Very cool, Oz. I'm a 55%er too. I always thought I was closer to maybe, 80% ;)

[xblondexpinkx]

yup im in the 55% too.

[charly]

can read it too.
I had already heard about this though.
But I didn't know that only 55 % of people could read it...

[lostioz]

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/4803/eyetestvb7.jpg

Back up from monitor until you can read the message.


and check this out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVVXXkY8eGk

[xblondexpinkx]

cant be bothered backing up, all i have behind me is another desk so it wouldnt make much difference. and the video did not have the desired effect on me as i couldnt be bothered reading lol. but tis funny.

[itrack4u]

Whew I had to go outside to read that!!! It's been a long time since I've done the nasty :cry:

[photo-nut]

not really a joke but a test i found, I'm one of the 55%
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_509.htm

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.

Wow, that's wierd.

[AnastasiaBeaverhausen]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So
she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes
out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the
vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their
nude bodies to approaching drivers....

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing
here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

Well . . . Duh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied!

[AnastasiaBeaverhausen]

I'm sorry, but I had to post this. How embarrasing, yet human.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Ellenpickingherass.jpg

[edgeyoukated]

LMFAO!!!

[photo-nut]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Emergency flashers :lol: :lol:

[ReginaFalange]

LOVE this thread :D

[ReginaFalange]

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?





A: We don't know; it has never happened.

[soozi]

"funny pages"?!

blondie we've found our home...get ur ass down here!! :lol:

[xblondexpinkx]

my ass is here hang on a sec while the rest of me catches up.

[soozi]

hehe yea u have a huge ass..im sure the rest of u is following it like three blocks back :P

[xblondexpinkx]

:? :( you made me cry
now if the rest of me wasnt TWO 1/2 blocks away id break your hip right now for thinking your all hip and now

[soozi]

aww sorry for makin u cry... hehe thought u knew i never mean anything i say by now!
anyway im sure u think my hip will break itself soon seen as how u think im so darn old!

[xblondexpinkx]

nah i was talkin bout your metal hip, you know the one you had replaced due to old age last year? ooo heres a little story about me..

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[soozi]

:lol: bless u all willing to poke fun at blondes even tho u know ima come up with a loada blonde insults now!

i actually phsyically felt my IQ go back up 30 points when i dyed my hair back brown :P

[xblondexpinkx]

:lol: awww bless you actually thinking you have an IQ in the first place, and im the queen of blonde jokes so nothin you can say can shock me. p.s I'm blonde did you guess?

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

oh and before i forget :stupid:


An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an
African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three
social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.
The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[roxyrocks]

sorry if this has been posted already, but i just got to share it.


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb... :lol: :lol:

[roxyrocks]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach The bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she give s me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[idildeniz]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." :lol: :lol:

[xblondexpinkx]

Smart Woman


Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.


She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even farther back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.


Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation said, "Land mines."


Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.

[photo-nut]

:lol:

[Humanafterall]

that is so funny. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks for sharing, pinky. :)

[Humanafterall]

Shorts:

I live in a smaller rural community and grew up in a smaller comunity. On the radio the DJ was announcing things to do in the area that may be fun. Aparently there was anything all that exciting happening this weekend except for a tractor pull. This poor woman had to make going to a tractor pull exciting enough so people would want to go...

So when I heard the commercial, it 'jogged' loose a memory of when I went to a tractor pull. I was like eight (BPC--before power chair), BAAAALIEVE ME if I could "walk" away, after I got there, I would.....

Anyway when my parents told me of the upcoming opprotunity to go to the tractor pull. I thought it sounded cool. I thought the event would be people playing tug of war with tractors. I don't know, I was younger.

If that would have been the case that would have been cool(er). I'm not saying it was boring.
I just didn't like it when they tied a rope to my wheelchair and I had to drag a toy tractor around.

Computers in your toothbrush:

Today I was watching a little t.v. as I ate. There was a commerical for a toothbrush (not that strange). At the end of the commercial the voice over person announced one of the new features of this particular toothbrush was that it had a "computer" in the handle that actually told the user when the toothbrush head needed to be changed. The toothbrush was electric.

I thought uhhhh I don't know about you but I pretty much can tell when the toothbrush 'head' needs to be replaced.
It's just a matter of time until the computer on the toothbrush would enable the user to surf the web.

In a couple of years, you just wait there will be a whole support group of toothbrush users who were addicted to brushing their teeth. The next episode of the Maury Show will 'showcase' those people who are addicted to their computerized toothbrushes and the people who love them. Sylvia Brown will be consulting with people who haven't seen the people they love because they are locked in the bathroom with their toothbrushes. Oprah.....well Oprah will be sippin my-ties on a beach somewhere. (GOD bless her) Dr. Phil who knows where he will be. The ladies of the view will be discusting which politician or celebrity is endorsing the fancy toothbrushes. CNN will talk about them for at least three weeks straight.
and Ellen will finally be interested enough to learn how to use a computer. Cross your fingers fans.....cross your fingers. Because we all know how she LOVES to brush her teeth.

I CAN'T wait untill I get mine......along with a toy tractor I can pull behind me. That'll be awesome.

*giggle*

H.A.A.

[jlilest]

Computers in your toothbrush:

Today I was watching a little t.v. as I ate. There was a commerical for a toothbrush (not that strange). At the end of the commercial the voice over person announced one of the new features of this particular toothbrush was that it had a "computer" in the handle that actually told the user when the toothbrush head needed to be changed. The toothbrush was electric.

I thought uhhhh I don't know about you but I pretty much can tell when the toothbrush 'head' needs to be replaced.
It's just a matter of time until the computer on the toothbrush would enable the user to surf the web.

In a couple of years, you just wait there will be a whole support group of toothbrush users who were addicted to brushing their teeth. The next episode of the Maury Show will 'showcase' those people who are addicted to their computerized toothbrushes and the people who love them. Sylvia Brown will be consulting with people who haven't seen the people they love because they are locked in the bathroom with their toothbrushes. Oprah.....well Oprah will be sippin my-ties on a beach somewhere. (GOD bless her) Dr. Phil who knows where he will be. The ladies of the view will be discusting which politician or celebrity is endorsing the fancy toothbrushes. CNN will talk about them for at least three weeks straight.
and Ellen will finally be interested enough to learn how to use a computer. Cross your fingers fans.....cross your fingers. Because we all know how she LOVES to brush her teeth.

I CAN'T wait untill I get mine......along with a toy tractor I can pull behind me. That'll be awesome.

*giggle*

H.A.A.

You mean that your toothbrush is not web enabled? 8O 8O 8O

How do you know when you have E-mail or when to watch Ellen? ;)

I have seen those toothbrush commercials too.

I wonder how long till we have computers in our salt and pepper shakers so we can tell when they need to be refilled. :)

[freudscigar]

A joke from my 5 yr-old niece:

What's invisible and smells like a banana?

A monkey's fart.

[smithy1219]

Ok a friend told me this one the other day.

How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave to her! lol

:D

[Kooky_UK]

Hi I'm new and thought I should try to start on the right foot.

Q. Why did Moses wander the deaert for 40 years?
A. He wouldn't stop and ask for directions :oops: :P

[Kooky_UK]

Bit sad i Know.
I can do better though...*Gulp*I think

[Magnolia]

I liked your joke Kooky_UK!

Here's something funny I heard the comedian Mitch Hedberg say:
"I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

"They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home there's more to it than that. Want some more homemade Sprite? Not til you figure out what the f*** else is in it!"

"I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know. Refrigerator, toaster, blender... you just say what the thing does and add "er." KITCHEN APPLIANCE NAMING INSTITUTE...
What's this thing do? It keeps stuff fresh. Well, that's a fresher. I'm going on break."

"I hate dreaming. Because when you want to sleep you want to sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like there I am lying on my comfortable bed next thing I know I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord."

[Razbo]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two
cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle
facing oncoming traffic.

The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very
long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer.

"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

:-P

[Kooky_UK]

Q. What do donkeys get for lunch?
A. Half an hour.


:oops: soooo cheesy, my bad

[Tysonshadow]

My boss came back from a 3.5 hour lunch yesterday a little tipsy (ok, quite a bit tipsy) and he had a call from Yellow Pages about updating our firms advertisement. Anyway he ended up telling him this joke:

Q. What do you get when you cross a bulldog with a shih tzu?
A. Bulls..t!!

Everyone in the office thought it was hilarious. The guy couldn't get off the phone quick enough.... :lol: :lol:

[photo-nut]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[_LamassU_]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!

[smithy1219]

Here's two jokes I think are really good so had to tell you guys them.

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry, she opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

And the 2nd…

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

Hope you like them. :)

x

[bekcat]

O.K. I haven't posted in awhile, so I am hoping this works:


Jesus, Moses and this old man went golfing one day. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful looking drive, but suddenly, it drops into the water hazard. Jesus then walks onto the water, finds his ball and chips it onto the green.

Moses then steps up to tee off, and he hits what also seems to be a beautiful drive. It also suddenly drops into the water hazard. Moses steps onto the shore of the pond, parts the water, locates his ball, and chips it onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits his shot, and it also looks like a great drive, but then starts to drop into the water. But, before the ball can drop into the water, a fish jumps out of the water and grabs the ball, and before the fish can land back into the water, a bird swoops down, grabs the fish, and as it carries the fish away, the fish drops the ball into the hole.

Jesus looked at the old man and said, "Dad...I hate it when you do that!"

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

A knock at the door, this man went and answered it and nothing was there except this snail. So he picks up the snail and throws it in his yard.

2 years later, again a knock was at the mans door. Again, there was nothing there but a snail. The snail looks up and goes...

"What in the hell was that for!"

BAH DUM DUM

[idildeniz]

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.



Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”

A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a Mother :D

[Stevearino]

Make a Sentence

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''

[searching007]

Make a Sentence

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''


:lol: that's a good one! I had to read it a few times out loud before I got it!

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Freudian Slip perhaps?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ClqfJp4WBBQ

[idildeniz]

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Razbo]

(Just thought I'd bring some "fun" stuff to the front line again!);)

9 Things I Hate:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my **** when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

:scoolblue:

[misskitty]

hey Raz,those 9 thing happen to be funny thanks for sharing :d_laugh:

[Razbo]

Glad you enjoyed them MK!
:scoolblue:

[HeavensAngel332]

(Just thought I'd bring some "fun" stuff to the front line again!);)

9 Things I Hate:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my **** when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?



6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

:scoolblue:

Lol, thats too funny! Thanx for sharing that!

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

What is a Hillbilly? Pretty scary isn't it?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-4.jpg

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Understanding Politics

Whether Liberal or Labor, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless.

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Ways To Cheat On Exams

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-1-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-2-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-3-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-4-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-5.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-6.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-7.jpg

[EllenIsNumber1]

OMG....that's hilarious!!!:D:D:D

I should try that lol find "x" - here it is:p

[3llen]

What is a Hillbilly? Pretty scary isn't it?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-4.jpg

omg! lol thats kinda scary! :p

[sweden]

(Just thought I'd bring some "fun" stuff to the front line again!);)

9 Things I Hate:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my **** when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

:scoolblue:

LOL! Ellen brought number 6 up in her book "The funny thing is..."

[LadyDeath91]

Ways To Cheat On Exams





http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-6.jpg



Haha i should definetly try that :uglyconf:

[Aslan]

how come i've never seen this topic before?
love it :D

[3llen]

Haha i should definetly try that :uglyconf:

lol me too, and by doing that i can later find a big huge X on my test aftewards anyway.. lol

[sweden]

lol me too, and by doing that i can later find a big huge X on my test aftewards anyway.. lol

LOOOL!! haha.. yeah, you'd better not take the risk ;)

[3llen]

LOOOL!! haha.. yeah, you'd better not take the risk ;)

lol :D someone in my class did actually do that! i was dying of laughter! lol :p

[justcarly]

best joke
my friends told it to me last nite.

:)

so this girl has no arms and and no legs.
a man comes up to her and she says to the man "hey... since i dont have any legs or arms, ive never been hugged"
so the man hugs her... he starts to walk away.
she says "no... wait!! ive never been kissed before either"
he comes back and gives her a kiss..
he walks away and she says "hey... ive never been f*cked..."
he picks her up....
and throws her in the lake and says "HA! ur f*cked now!"

[Kristen101]

best joke
my friends told it to me last nite.

:)

so this girl has no arms and and no legs.
a man comes up to her and she says to the man "hey... since i dont have any legs or arms, ive never been hugged"
so the man hugs her... he starts to walk away.
she says "no... wait!! ive never been kissed before either"
he comes back and gives her a kiss..
he walks away and she says "hey... ive never been f*cked..."
he picks her up....
and throws her in the lake and says "HA! ur f*cked now!"

oh man, that's hilarious and horrible all at the same time! LOL :p

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Figure this one out!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-8.jpg

[OptimisticSomebody]

Figure this one out!


Well, that is one interesting car. :d_twitcy:

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their
granddaughter's graduation from medical school. Halfway through their trip, they
stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the
medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and
very expensive.'

How much?' asked Grandpa. 'Around $10.00 a pill,' answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and we'll be
leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He
immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and s aid, 'I told you each pill
was $10.00 , not $110.00.'

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma'

[3llen]

Figure this one out!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-8.jpg

lol:blink:

[maddog]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'


The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'


But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'


Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!'


And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads

'W I N A B A G E L'

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Hahahahaha, thats really funny!:)

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Three Arkansas Surgeons


Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite
case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert
for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That 's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won
a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on
into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with
was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put
them together and now she's running for President.

[blueberry01]

Do you guys remember when Ellen had this magician on her show and he did the trick with her hand and the nail under the cup? Well we had one on German television and look what happened. :blink:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTfhyGPbZ78

[Humanafterall]

I adapted a poem from my favorite Poem from Childhood: Sick by Shel Silverstein. He wrote the "childrens" version. This is the "Adults" version.

No Work Today-I am Sick

“I can not go to work today
Said Miss Anna McKay.
I have a fever and the bumps.
My iPod is broken.
My head feels a rock.

I don’t feel well,
I am going through
Menstrual hell.
My stomach feels bad.
Someone stole my iPhone and I am mad.

My bed is lumpy,
My pillow was bumpy.
The alarm didn’t go off.
Where did the dog
Put my socks?

The sink has a leak,
And the toilets broken.
The package said they were flushable.
My hair is a mess,
My look today is totally unrecognizable.

I can’t see when my eyes are shut.
I can’t understand why my partner says:
I can’t buy that much stuff.
How many shoes can you wear?
I just say “whhhhhhuuuut?”

My ears are draining.
It is cold, windy and raining.
My nose is red and sore.
If I sit through one more presentation....
What a bore.

The library is going to kick me out,
For not returning an overdue book
I’ve had for months.
I have this constant cough.
I am pretty sure I may have the flu

My hands are cold
My feet are blue

Wait a sec….

I’m getting a text

“WHAT???”

Today is Saturday.
Well I am going to take a shower
Fix my hair and put on decent clothes.
TIME FOR SOME RETAIL THERAPY
To fix my whoas.

[Aslan]

Do you guys remember when Ellen had this magician on her show and he did the trick with her hand and the nail under the cup? Well we had one on German television and look what happened. :blink:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTfhyGPbZ78
that has to hurt :blink:

some really funny stuff here :D

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Do you guys remember when Ellen had this magician on her show and he did the trick with her hand and the nail under the cup? Well we had one on German television and look what happened. :blink:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTfhyGPbZ78

Oh my Gawd. Well first of all he was using Dixie Cups, then there were twins... shady deal...;);)

[Razbo]

that has to hurt :blink:

some really funny stuff here :D

I really think the nail contracts when he slams his hand down on it and it doesn't hurt whatsoever - just another little trick of the eye/hand - MAGIC!:p

:scoolblue:

[misskitty]

I really think the nail contracts when he slams his hand down on it and it doesn't hurt whatsoever - just another little trick of the eye/hand - MAGIC!:p

:scoolblue:


yea i agree with you Raz,he just makes it look likes it hurts you know. I like magic alot :) it is very interesting

[Tolaoi]

Ways To Cheat On Exams

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-1-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-2-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-3-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-4-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-5.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-6.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-7.jpg


oh boy lamo damn stupid ppl i see ...but true very good explnations

[Tolaoi]

not really a joke but a test i found, I'm one of the 55%
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_509.htm

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.


so im in this 55% i read it yey:uglyconf:

[Tolaoi]

If U havent Saw a realy magic trick here it is...its really scary and when i saw that i was like whaaaaaaaat :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:and bunch if thishttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmkzyN3q20w

[Ellen-rocks]

Ways To Cheat On Exams

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-1-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-2-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-3-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-4-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-5.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-6.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/unknown-7.jpg
hahahaha oh my god...maybe ill try it :D

[Aslan]

If U havent Saw a realy magic trick here it is...its really scary and when i saw that i was like whaaaaaaaat :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:and bunch if thishttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmkzyN3q20w
OMG :eek::eek::eek:
that's all i can say.
OMG :eek::eek:

[Tolaoi]

OMG :eek::eek::eek:
that's all i can say.
OMG :eek::eek:

yeah if i where there i think i will shit my pants :eek: and this guy is Criss Angel i think the most schoking magician at all

[YesIam]

This joke is quite naughty, sorry :cool:

Technology

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies

"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies

"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!

"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.

"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.

[sweden]

so im in this 55% i read it yey:uglyconf:

Yaiyyy me too, lol :D

(Hey Tol btw, love your avatar pic! Do you happen to have a bigger version of it? :))

[sweden]

This joke is quite naughty, sorry :cool:

Technology

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies

"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies

"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!

"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.

"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.


Hmmm... HMMM.... ;) Okay, I admit I had to laugh on that one, lol :p

[3llen]

so im in this 55% i read it yey:uglyconf:

me too! lol :p

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.


The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit...'


'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'


George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink
and slight grin.... 'How about a quickie this morning?'


'Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims 'How rude! You're
starting to act like Mr. Clinton!'


As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..........


'It's pronounced, 'Quiche'.

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-9.jpg

[maddog]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-9.jpg
:( Poor Hillary

[maddog]

" cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it."


Yay, I knew spelling wasn't important :p(I'm the worst speller I know)

[Razbo]

" cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it."


Yay, I knew spelling wasn't important :p(I'm the worst speller I know)

Yeah, I read this before too and it's pretty amazing that we can read/understand it!
Also Taloi - that Chris Angel is one of the best magicians I've ever seen (wish I could see him perform in person). I did see this clip before and was totally amazed as well and "speechless" if you can believe that for me:p.

:xmas_9:

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

It was obviously photoshopped... but she is driving me insane invading my state campaigning... Shes a scam!:xmas_24:

[Razbo]

It was obviously photoshopped... but she is driving me insane invading my state campaigning... Shes a scam!:xmas_24:

Who's driving you insane / a scam?:confused:

:xmas_20:

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Hillary Clinton... blah!:xmas_24:

How are you RAZ!!!!:scoolblue:

[calypso]

These things are too big to post, so click on the links! They are funny!

50 Funny Things to do During an Exam http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Plains/6271/schol029.html

50 Funny Things to do in an Elevator http://funnies.paco.to/Elevator.html

[Aslan]

love the funny stuff u guys post :xmas_15:

[sweden]

love the funny stuff u guys post :xmas_15:

Yeah, me too :D Thanks everyone!

[YesIam]

Some things that make you go hmmm....

1. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

3. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

4. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

5. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

6. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

7. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

8. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

9. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

10. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

[Humanafterall]

Things I like to do when I am bored

1. Make paper cranes. I'm almost done with one. Darn my finger dexterity skills.

2. Count cracks in sidewalks out loud. If anyone says anything to me, I ask them to help http://www.ellen-forum.de/board/images/smiles/icon_wink.gif

3. Watch the DVD 'Hairspray' for the fourteenth time. You really can't stop the beat.

4. Make grass angels. No snow here, yet.

5. Count the stars in the sky. I always count 14876 twice and then I have to start over.

6. Go purse shopping. Now, I only like to look at purses because I am a very neat and organized person, so I am intreaged by the number of "pockets". What is the need for a pocket, inside a pocket? hmmm?

7. Read the epic poem Beowolf. I just copied and pasted it from the internet, and that is as far as i got.

8. Work :eek:h Myigosh, not that. ANNY TING BESIDES THAT.

9. Practice my 'moon walk'. Which I am sure if you saw me doing it, you would agree I need the practice http://www.ellen-forum.de/board/images/smiles/icon_wink.gif

10. Sing... Just thank God most of you live no where near me, I'll just say that. http://www.ellen-forum.de/board/images/smiles/icon_wink.gif

[misskitty]

Yeah, I read this before too and it's pretty amazing that we can read/understand it!
Also Taloi - that Chris Angel is one of the best magicians I've ever seen (wish I could see him perform in person). I did see this clip before and was totally amazed as well and "speechless" if you can believe that for me:p.

:xmas_9:

Chris Angel is so awesome.

[Razbo]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

:xmas_9:

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Mobile Phone Tracking

This really works!

This is interesting... Just click on the link, enter someone's cell phone
number, and the satellite map will show you where they are.

It's called 'mobile phone tracker' and was first put to use to aid 911
responders. Using a satellite map, track any connected mobile phone with
coverage anywhere in the world.

To give it a try, log on to:

http://www.satellite-gps-locator.com

[Razbo]

Hey AB, I see it really does work!!! I just tracked you by your cell!:p

Love you girl!

:xmas_9:

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-10.jpg

[jjjoan]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-10.jpg

hahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!awesome pic!!!!!!!!AB:D:D:D

[misskitty]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-10.jpg


that is hilarious thanks for sharing :xmas_4:

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-1-2.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-2-2.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-3-2.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-11.jpg

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Okay these aren't jokes, but very adorable pictures...:xmas_9:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-1-3.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-2-3.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-3-3.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-4-2.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-5-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-12.jpg

[i_love_ellen]

Thanks for all the cool pics/jokes AB......i was laughing out loud....and my mama now thinks im crazier than before ;)

[sweden]

Aww... thanks for the pics, AB :) I bet Ellen would love seeing those pictures :xmas_19:

[jjjoan]

one of my friend e-mail this link: Min the Gap-- The Bangkok Train

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/836224/mind_the_gap_the_bangkok_train/

:eek::xmas_18::eek:

[sweden]

In case you haven't seen it, this baby is REALLY adorable:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In5uec02E8U

Aww! :D

[Aslan]

awesome stuff here :xmas_6:

[misskitty]

thanks jjjoan and sweden for those videos they were really awesome :xmas_9:

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Crazy is good... its fun and no explanations...:xmas_9:;)

[3llen]

In case you haven't seen it, this baby is REALLY adorable:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In5uec02E8U

Aww! :D

whatever! LOL!! that is SOO cute! -thx for the pics/jokes AB:D

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes," whispered the small voice.
" May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No "
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

" Yes "

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, " No "

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter "

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"


Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..................................."ME"

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-13.jpg

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely
filled with teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire
wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put
into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom
shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and
huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found
it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a
collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually
is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father my children? She turns to him and
kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warm they continue to kiss,
the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and
carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and
make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more
passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known, and
even did a few things she had never done with any other man. After an intense,
explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says
*
*
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Try to photograph Superman-warning this can be addictive!

If this doesn't drive you crazy-- nothing will. Have Fun!!!

http://hk.promo.yahoo.com/movie/superman/Stop_Press_Game/

[sweden]

Try to photograph Superman-warning this can be addictive!

If this doesn't drive you crazy-- nothing will. Have Fun!!!

http://hk.promo.yahoo.com/movie/superman/Stop_Press_Game/


LOL!! Fun game! But it sure did drive me crazy! The best score I got was 19... have to improve that! :p

EDIT: Yaiyy I got 33! This game really is addictive... hmm...

[HeavensAngel332]

Try to photograph Superman-warning this can be addictive!

If this doesn't drive you crazy-- nothing will. Have Fun!!!

http://hk.promo.yahoo.com/movie/superman/Stop_Press_Game/

This is fun! My score was 84! :D

Edit: 96!!

Edit: 123!! (Im getting better)

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

Its a fun game, I got about 125 or something after awhile... takes a lot of practice... ;)

[i_love_ellen]

Its a fun game, I got about 125 or something after awhile... takes a lot of practice... ;)
dammit! im addicted :( LOL

[Aslan]

love all the funny stuff on here :xmas_15:

[maddog]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-13.jpg

What a great idea for a christmas tree, I love it :xmas_27:

[maddog]

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,


3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.

Thought to myself, they've lost the f_ _ kin plot!

[i_love_ellen]

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,


3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.

Thought to myself, they've lost the f_ _ kin plot!
LMAO! Nice!;)

[maddog]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
God Replied:
I didn’t recognize you. :eek:

[Aslan]

omg, lol :p

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

That is freaking hilarious!:xmas_9:

[Razbo]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

[misskitty]

thats a really funny joke Raz thanks for sharing :d_laugh::d_biglaugh:

[amanda67]

man comes home and decides to give she wife an orgasm so he starts she is umm and arrin she cums so he goes into the bathroom to clean up and sees his wife shaving her legs. he ask who is in the bed , your mother

[HeavensAngel332]

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

lol, so sorry, I thought it was hilarious!

[misskitty]

that joke is really hilarious :D

[drummonger]

Hillarious e-mail I received. Thought it was great. Sorry if it has already been posted....


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES



1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.

Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and

presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.



2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing

vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while

you chop away.



3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting

the toilet seat just by using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut

yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the

pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.



5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will

prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep

after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of

laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.



7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a

hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.



8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules

of life really are:



In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.

If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.



9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to

know them.



10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.





Thought for the Day:



SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES ..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING ... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS

[maddog]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'


Thats a good one :xmas_19:

[jjjoan]

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s30/jjjoan/image003.jpg
Man....I'm getting so fat I can hardly scratch my own butt!:D

[chinook]

a well endowed woman is trying on a new blouse at a clothing store. She asks the salesperson if the blouse is cut too low. The salesperson asks if she has hair on her chest and the woman replies "no", the salesperson says then the blouse is cut too low:eek:

[maddog]

a well endowed woman is trying on a new blouse at a clothing store. She asks the salesperson if the blouse is cut too low. The salesperson asks if she has hair on her chest and the woman replies "no", the salesperson says then the blouse is cut too low:eek:


OMG :d_argh:

[Aslan]

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s30/jjjoan/image003.jpg
Man....I'm getting so fat I can hardly scratch my own butt!:D
LOL :xmas_15:

[Razbo]

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "....and where do you think you're going?!"


She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark

:xmas_9:

[sweden]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'


LOL!! Haha :p

[maddog]

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "....and where do you think you're going?!"


She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark

:xmas_9:


:atomrofl:

[Razbo]

Sorry this one's a tad long....

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the LIAR told you I was speeding, too.

:xmas_9:

[Aslan]

lol :xmas_6:

[maddog]

Good one :xmas_27: Raz

[i_love_ellen]

Hilarious raz!;)

[Razbo]

I thought so too Aslan, Maddog and i_love_ellen...I almost peed my pants when I read that one, I just had to share it!
:xmas_9:

[misskitty]

your jokes are really hilarious Raz thanks for sharing them with everyone

[SwashyErin]

You guys have good jokes and pics! Thanks for sharing :D

This isn't really a joke, but I found it on a website : Can you find them?

Good luck :cool:

http://img144.imageshack.us/img144/8715/whereswallyqt7.th.jpg (http://img144.imageshack.us/my.php?image=whereswallyqt7.jpg)

[Razbo]

your jokes are really hilarious Raz thanks for sharing them with everyone

Thanks MK, but I can't take the credit...I don't write them, only forward/post them!:p

:xmas_9:

[maddog]

OH no, tounge in cheek ;)

Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." :eek:

[AP1270]

Lmao Gotta love math :D

[justcarly]

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/Big_Smiles.jpg

Say cheese!

[maddog]

Lmao, how funny is that pic :eek:

[xirtam]

http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/6340/bzpkcaujdnbvcatz32e6ca5bv0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

sweet :)
http://img117.imageshack.us/img117/677/81rzcahjm8v3caey1j78catkk8.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

so sweet:):)
http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/3332/pza6caoz5d3fcau1312kca1pg8.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

so so sweet:D:D:D

i think...

hope to like them:xmas_9:

[misskitty]

that is a funny picture Carleexx thanks for sharing and xirtam those are funny pictures as well thanks for sharing

[maddog]

:xmas_9: pics, thanks xirtam :)

[maddog]

Funny cartoon :)

[petal]

Oh, I love that cartoon Maddog!!!! ha ha ha

[Aslan]

love the funny stuff on here

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/Big_Smiles.jpg LOL :xmas_15:

[maddog]

Oh, I love that cartoon Maddog!!!! ha ha ha


Thanks petal ;)

[3llen]

lol thx everyone! :p they're all funny

[misskitty]

yes maddog that is a very funny cartoon,thanks for sharing :D

[maddog]

yes maddog that is a very funny cartoon,thanks for sharing :D

Your welcome Miss Kitty ;)

[maddog]

Not sure if this is allowed, oh well here goes :eek:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[Razbo]

TOO FUNNY MADDOG!!! Here's a little one...

Merry Christmas, one and all!!!!


PEDRO & ROSITA

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita
were sitting by the side of the ocean.

There was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita,
let's do Weeweechu."


"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied
Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do
Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS !
What were you thinking?

:xmas_9:

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

There were 3 men wandering around looking for shelter: a rabbi, a hindu and a lawyer. They went to a farmers home and asked if he could put them up for the night. the farmer agreed but he could only house 2 and the other had to sleep in the barn. So the rabbi volunteered to sleep in the barn. A few hours later the rabbi knocks on the door and explains she can't sleep in the barn due to the pig and he can't sleep with a pig in the same room. So the Hindu decided to go to the barn and a few hours later, he knocked on the door and explained he couldn't be under the same roof as the cow. So the lawyer went to the barn, and there was a knock on the door and there stood the cow and the pig.

Ba Dum Dum!:xmas_9:

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-1-4.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-10-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-11-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-12-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-13-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-2-4.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-3-4.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-4-3.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-5-2.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-6-1.jpg

[AnastasiaBeavrhausen]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-7-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-8-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-9-1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v632/zsuzsu/Unknown-14.jpg

[xirtam]

There were 3 men wandering around looking for shelter: a rabbi, a hindu and a lawyer. They went to a farmers home and asked if he could put them up for the night. the farmer agreed but he could only house 2 and the other had to sleep in the barn. So the rabbi volunteered to sleep in the barn. A few hours later the rabbi knocks on the door and explains she can't sleep in the barn due to the pig and he can't sleep with a pig in the same room. So the Hindu decided to go to the barn and a few hours later, he knocked on the door and explained he couldn't be under the same roof as the cow. So the lawyer went to the barn, and there was a knock on the door and there stood the cow and the pig.

Ba Dum Dum!:xmas_9:

thanks a lot for awsome anecdote

[misskitty]

thanks for those funny cartoons AB :D

[xirtam]

thnx so much AB all of them so nice and so funny

will u add smtng to crack me:D:D:D

[Razbo]

That Calvin sure is creative and talented! Loved those AB!

What's black & white & red all over?
A SKUNK with Diaper Rash, silly!:rolleyes:

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
They can't fit their heads in the jar! :p

:xmas_9:

[xirtam]

its not in English but ill write its mean hope like it

ps. it is made by Yigit Ozgur who is very famous in Turkey



http://img142.imageshack.us/img142/9707/mayarnmq2yn3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

the man: ''hey guys the match will be tomorrow''

[Ellen-rocks]

http://i16.tinypic.com/6jczivk.jpg
http://i4.tinypic.com/6yxkl8p.jpg
http://i8.tinypic.com/8btqe6h.jpg
http://i9.tinypic.com/82dzss2.jpg

[misskitty]

thanks for sharing your jokes Raz, xirtam and ellen-rocks they are really hilarious :D