Dating

[SunshineRain]

Hello, I come to this web site to talk about my situation as I have nobody else to talk to regarding this matter. Perhaps, after reading this forum, words of advice could be given. I am 35 years old.
I just reintered the dating field after my husband died two years ago. After much thought, I decided to follow my heart and date women hoping that eventually I would find a long term relationship with the right one. I had dated one woman 6 years ago. I wasn't at a position in my life to date a woman at that time. Now, I feel ready and at a position where I am happy with the way things are going in my life.
I live in a small town in Ontario, Canada which is very conservative. I therefore thought I would try the internet to find someone. I placed ads on two dating sites. I replied to some ads and people responded to me.
On one site, I responded to a woman who was from the same town as myself. We talked on msn quite a bit and everything seemed to click perfectly. We then decided to meet. Everything went wonderfully. We went out for dinner, went for a walked and talked. I thought we were on the same page. We talked about how we were interested in persuing a relationship with each other and that each of us was single so that would not be a problem. I was extremely happy. I thought that I had met that special person and was looking forward to getting to know her better. We ended up having a wonderful evening together and the next day, we parted happily saying we were happy to have met and were looking forward to our future together.
A couple days later I find out she has met someone else and is totally in love with her. This is supposed to be her match made in heaven sort of thing. I guess she had been talking to her on the dating site for a bit but had not met her. Now, she felt that this was the woman for her and she had not even met her. Since then, they have met and are totally in love with one another. She said she was very sorry and that she never met to hurt me.
So anyways, it was a blow to say the least. Well, I thought, I'm not going to let this get me down... it wasn't met to be. The woman smoked and I don't so perhaps it was for the best. Just trying to make light of a bad situation.
So anyways, I jump back into the dating scene. By luck, I happen to start chatting with a woman on another dating site. Everything is great. We click right off the bat. She calls me on the phone and we talk for 3 hours on the phone. The next night, we talk for another three hours on the phone. She says she is so happy to have met me and we talk about our wants and needs in a relationship. Everything seems so great. We have many things in common. We even talk about meeting each other (she lives 6 hours away from me in the same province). So like I say, everything seems great. With the close of 2006, I have great hope for 2007. She even asks if we could consider ourselves as girlfriends and if we could just date one another. I agree.
Today, I started talking to her on msn. Something seems off and that she seems sad. I ask her what is the problem and she says she is thinking. I ask her what she is thinking about. She says she is thinking about her friend and the argument that they had.
From our talks on the phone, she had said that she had a friend (that was married) and that they were having problems. She said that her friend was supposed to go out with her on New Years but cancelled at the last moment so she could go out with her husband.
So, as I am talking on msn, I ask her if she is attracted to her friend. She says that she is and that they both don't know what to do about their feelings. Another blow to the heart. She needs to think. This attitude after just yesterday she kept calling me and saying how happy she was to have met me.
Now, she doesn't seem to want to even talk to me.
Two blows...
I don't understand. On both the profiles, these two women said that they were single. I guess the profile should have read... Single... but have someone else on my mind.
I'm hurt but I know that life will go on. It just really bothers me. I feel very sad.
Thank you for taking the time to read this forum. I guess I just needed to share this story with someone. None of my family or friends know that I have dated these two women or the woman that I dated 6 years ago for that fact. It's difficult.
So, any words of wisdom or advice would be gratefully accepted.
Cheers.

[Lovie]

This is just my humble opinion so apply appropriately....

If you are looking for a long-term solid relationship take it slowly. Rome wasn't built in a day. Things that are built to last take time. It seems like you are jumping into things alittle quickly and that you are being led around be your emotions.

When you get into a relationship you need to go in as a whole person. Get yourself together and be strong - not that you don't show vulnerability. Put away the past...relationships, hurts, dissappointments....

Girls are so funky anyway. It seems they are always playing games. I know you don't want to do that. Talking to a stranger for 6 hours on the phone doesn't make you "girlfriends". It seems like you are trying to force things.

So set boundaries for yourself and your relationships. Meet for coffee during the day and go home by yourself. Call once but not 2 times in one day no matter how much you want to. You don't want to seem desperate or clingy which women love to do.

See the next one casually. You might want to consider not drinking alcohol the first few dates so you can really get to know her. Don't just throw yourself out there indiscriminately. You are worth more than that! Value yourself, the love you have to give, value your time, as well as your emotions. If you keep getting yourself in these situations then you are going to "need" someone to give you value. Get your value and self-esteem first and head into these things with confidence. God created you and has a great plan for your life so don't throw it away on cheap relationships. If you want a relationship with value then treat it valuably.

All the best - Lovie

[ohyeaah]

That was really good Lovie!

michelle

[SunshineRain]

Thanks for the advice.
Just for discussion sake, and to clear a few things up, I wanted to point out that I never drank a drop of alcohol during this whole time. Also, I wasn't the person calling the women up over and over again. I did show restraint. The woman that lives six hours away from me kept calling me over and over again to say how much she missed me. I thought it was strange to say the least. I guess in a strange way I was a bit flattered. Now that I look back, it should have been my warning sign to stay clear.
I had always had in my mind to take things slow, to see where they led and to take one day at a time. I did not want myself to get hopeful of things that might not happen. A long-term relationship is a hope but I know that it takes time for this happen. As stated above, I know that "Rome was not built in a day."
Now that I've had time to rest and think, I see the mistakes that I have made. Hopefully, I can apply these lessons in the future (i.e. Take things more slowly, get to know the person much better, etc. etc. etc.)

[SunshineRain]

I would like to get people's opinion on something. It may sound like a silly question to some, but here goes:
Let's say you meet a woman that you really like. You seem like you have many of the same interests. You haven't been out in the dating scene very long though. Do you decide to date this one person (if this is something they would also want) and see how it goes or continue to date other people to see if you make a connection with anyone else?
As I stated in another post, my hope is to eventually be in a long term relationship. I know that this takes time and that it is not going to happen over night - Rome was not built in a day. :)
Just wanted to get other people's two cents worth... and to possibly not make some of the same mistakes that I have done in the past.

[SunshineRain]

Since we are on Ellen Degeneres web site, I think it is safe to assume that we are fans of hers. I know that I am a fan of hers. I enjoy watching her show and have seen many of her movies.

If you were to look at many of Ellen's relationships, you might notice that there have been times she did not take her time getting to know a person before becoming intimate.

Examples:

Her Relationship with Anne Heche:

"Then, in 1997 on Oscar night, she says, "I saw the most ravishing woman I had ever seen in my life standing across the room. Her name was Ellen DeGeneres. She was radiating. I think at certain times in people's lives you just radiate an energy and a glow of fabulousness. And that was her. I had never seen anybody so lit up."

They slept together that night. "Up until that point, that was the best sex I'd ever had," says Heche, who says she had never before had sex with a woman. "I felt cared for … I felt free to express a part of me that I had not been able to express with a man. I felt sensuous and sexual in a way I hadn't before.""


found at this web site:

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/517822/posts

Portia de Rossi:

"But romance between the pair did not blossom until the beginning of this month, when they met again at the VH1 satellite music channel awards in Los Angeles.

That night, according to sources close to the couple, they hurriedly retreated to a waiting limousine where

they became intimate. The following day both parties officially split from their long-term partners."

web site found on:

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/showbiz/article-15308094-details/Ringo's+girl+dumped+by+lesbian/article.do;jsessionid=JRQHFRpXGh2F162n5yYFvk3WJy86 shXx2hYKsbJ91Rx7ZRskqDCm!56020601

++++++++++++++++++++

I wonder what other people think? Can true love be found when you first meet someone or does it always take time to make it happen? Ellen seems to have found true love with two women after only knowing them for a short time? If it could happen to Ellen, why not for someone else? What do you think?

[ohyeaah]

I met my husband in Budapest, Hungary in '92. My travel partner said I fell for him immediately. I think it took a few hours. We spent about 6 hours together that day. We went our separate ways. We talked on the phone about 3 months later, and started a long distance relationship (He in Wisconsin, me in California). We were married a year after that first phone call.

We definitely did NOT know each other that well when we married. He moved in with me a month before we married.

I don't know if I would recommend having a relationship with someone you don't know very well, but it seems to have worked so far for me.

michelle
FYI:
What does a lesbian bring on a second date? a U-Haul "Rosie O’Donnell" Rosie said this one time on "the view" it totally cracked me up and helped me to understand a bit how ellen meets a woman and gets involved so quickly.

[SunshineRain]

Thanks for sharing your story.......

I also remember the remark that Rosie made about the UHaul. I also thought it was very funny.
I have a date on Saturday to meet someone for hot chocolate. I just plan to meet her, visit and that is it. Actually, I am going to make sure that this is all that happens.
I am watching Ellen right now. In her opening monologue, she was talking about how she likes to take a negative situation and turn it into a positive learning experience. I try to do the same thing in my life. Now I won't say my last two experiences were negative, but they were definately learning experiences. Perhaps, they will make me a stronger person so that I act differently in the future. That is my hope anyways.

[lostioz]

good luck and remember what Paige said in the Ellen episode “Just coffee”

Paige: “I may be old fashion but I don’t think that women should ever call first”
;)

[ElDer]

Hey Sunshine-
You sound like an intelligent and wise woman. You just need to step back some and get some more perspective on things. It sounds like you've already started to do that. You've already had some hard lessons given to you, but you know that life has more in store for you -- both good and bad. Just relax and go with the flow. Don't build up your expectations too much because they seldom match reality. There's nothing wrong with having more friends in your life. And trust your instincts more. They've gotten you this far and they will help you figure out what you should do.

[zoel]

i know it's a hard thing to do, but you mentioned that no one in your family knows about your relationships with women, so maybe 'coming out' to them may be a good step. i don't know how your family but you might find some support from them. when i came out to my sister she said she'd take me to gay bars etc when i turned 18. i know she won't (i'm 17 now) but i was very greatfull for knowing she was that comfortable with it. there's my two pence worth anyhoo :D

good luck for saturday :cool:

[SunshineRain]

Thanks for the posts.

Now that I think back, I actually did came out to my best friend who is married around 6 years ago. She told me that I wasn't one of them and talked me out of dating women. She said I just needed to meet a good man as I had such a terrible first marriage before (he was abusive). My best friend ended up being my Maid of Honor at my second wedding.
(side story: I started to think about dating women when I was in University -around 1992. I started to notice that I had an attraction to a friend who went to the same school. I sensed something between us but was too afraid to go further than just friends. Instead of exploring this possibility, I ended up dating a man who ended up being my first husband. - end of side story)
Back to coming out: Around the same time as I came out to my best friend, I also did came out to my mother while I had my first dating experience with a woman. It did not go over very good to say the least. She just that I wasn't one of them and is all that she had to say.
My Mom has no problem with gay people, as long as they are not me... :)
I then decided to meet a man - which I did. I met him while taking a college course and he treated me wonderfully. The intimate part of the relationship wasn't the greatest, but I was able to look past it at the time. He was very patient with me plus not long into the marriage he became sick so it was no longer a problem. I would have stayed with him longer, but unfortunately he passed away.
I waited two years and thought long and hard what I was looking for in a relationship. At first, I thought I would date guys but now have decided to go back to the idea of dating women.
I'm not really sure how this will go over though to be honest. I live in an area that is very conservative. I don't have tons of friends but have started to gain more since loosing my husband. I guess after my husband died I let myself go a bit and mainly kept going for the sake of my children. Now that a bit of time has passed, I am starting to take more interest in myself and have even joined a gym to stay more fit. I guess I am just looking for the cherry on top of the sundae so to speak.
I don't really have much family. I have two kids, which I am pretty sure they would be supportive of me. One is 9 (boy) and the 3 year old (girl) wouldn't really understand anyways. I don't plan to tell them until something concrete happens. I have a brother but we are not really close enough for me to tell him something like this. He has also done some nasty things to me in the past so I would not trust him at all. Nasty in the fact that he took my abusive husbands side (first husband) and even testified on his side in court. Even though he testified for him, my ex-husband was still found guilty of assault.

Yes, it will just be hot chocolate. We are both taking our cars (unlike the first date where she did not have a car) so that won't be a delima. I'm just taking one day at a time right now. I'll let you know how the date goes.... :)
Wow, after reading this post, it sounds sort of like a soap opera... :) Even though this may sound like a soap opera, all this happened 6 and more years ago. Since getting married, and then loosing my husband, I have tried to live a non soap opera life. I try not to be too dramatic .... which sort of ended with my last two dates... :) I think I will go back to the old ways... taking things more easy and not rushing things...
I also know that you are so right when you try to make plans, and they seldom work out the way you saw them going. I know this is definately something that I have to work on.

[SunshineRain]

Well, here's the scoop on the "big" date. :)

We met for hot chocolate and had great conversation.

I would definately be interested in going on another date with her. I don't want to seem desperate or anything though. How does one go about deciding if another date is agreeable with the other person? Do you wait for them to contact you? Do you wait a couple of days and then contact them to see if they are interested?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated..... :D

[Lovie]

Hi SunshineRain -

1) I haven't been about to get back after my first post to you. I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything in that post. I just want to be clear on that. I was just putting out some advice so without knowing too many details at the time I just covered the basics.

2) Concerning your post about ED's relationships. Please tell me how long the longest one has lasted?

3) If you can email your last date that might be safe. Tell her you had a nice time, enjoyed her company, and was wondering if she'd be interested in getting together again "sometime". "Sometime" doesn't sound too desperate but rather loose like...when it fits in her schedule. Or if you are goo-goo over her be more aggressive.

All the best - Lovie

[SunshineRain]

Thanks Lovie, I really do appreciate you responding to my post. In fact, I never did take it as if you were accusing me of anything. Your advice has been very helpful.

I think I will take your advice and mention to her that if she would like to get together sometime, I would be interested. That sounds great... not desperate but still keeping my options open. :) I would not say that I am go go over her, but I could definately see her being a friend.

[Lovie]

What's the scoop? Have ya'll talked again?

[SunshineRain]

What's the scoop... :) lol

Nothing too exciting. I e-mailed her and she said that she was busy with work for the next couple of weeks. She said that we might get together after that. We'll just see, but I am not holding my breath. :)

OK... here's a question that someone may be able to help me with. Let's say you see a woman that you have interest in. Do you usually approach them or wait for them? If you do approach them, what do you usually say? Also, how do you know if they are "interested" in you or just being friendly. I'm a bit shy... actually quite shy so that hasn't been very helpful to say the least. lol Any suggestions would be greatly appreacited. :)

p.s./ btw Lovie, that's a cute pic of you in the convertible. :cool:

[anaed]

LOL shoot sister if we knew the answers to those questions none of us would be asking advice on here. LOL The world would be bliss.

[SunshineRain]

That's true..

I was watching the first season of the "L Word" the other day. I think it was the third show where the ladies got together to see if they could tell if the chef was gay as their friend was interested in her. They had it down to a science...but it came down to the fact that they could not make a definate conclusion. Anyone else remember this episoide?

I have another date on Friday. :D

[roxyrocks]

oh yeah i remember that. that was really funny. they had to use Shane to approach Lara to see how Lara will react on Shane since Shane usually get the girls... i've tried to do some of the things they talked about on that episode, but i'm just really shy and scared. plus, i'm not totally out in the closet yet, and that makes it even harder.

[SunshineRain]

I cancelled the date I had on Friday. I had talked to the lady using yahoo messenger and something didn't seem right. I decided to go with my gut feeling and cancel the date. Instead, I spent the night with the kids watching movies, which I enjoyed quite a bit.

Internet dating is fine, but I prefer meeting people face to face.

I've decided I'm going to work on myself a bit more before I seek out any type of relationship. I suppose if I did meet someone I really liked, I would not rule out going on a date, but I'm not going to make it a priority. I've got my kids to keep me busy so that is going to be my main focus for the time being plus my aim to become more in shape. I've even started taking squash lessons which seems to be a really fun sport.

p.s./ I just started watching The L Word. It's interesting to see the different emotions each of the ladies must work through. I am currently watchng season 1 episoide 5. I wonder how many seasons this show has been on. I just watched where Tim left Jenny because he caught her making out with Marina. Speaking of Marina, I was at the gym the other day, and I saw a woman who had a strong resemblance to her. :)

[Lovie]

Hey -

I am proud of you for listening to your gut. God put it there for a reason - to protect us - so listening is a good thing!

You'll only have your kids once. They grow up so quickly so enjoy them while you can.

And we all have seasons where we need to focus on getting ourselves together. Sounds like you are on the right track, girl.

GO COLTS!

- Lovie

[SunshineRain]

Thanks!

Yes, I think we should listen to our gut feelings more often. They tend to be right far often than they are wrong.

Also, I agree. Kids are only young for a short time. It's amazing how fast my nine year has grown up. Soon, he will be out of the single digits, and already ten years old. The time sure does fly fast.

Also, the funny thing about meeting someone special is that it usually happens when you least expect it to occur.

[petal]

Also, the funny thing about meeting someone special is that it usually happens when you least expect it to occur.

Couldn't agree with you more SunshineRain. :lol:

[SunshineRain]

I've been thinking. lol I actually do this sometimes... :)

Anyways, instead of focusing my efforts on finding "the one", I've decided to expand my circle of friends. While married and for the last two years, I've limited my cirlce of friends to mainly family. Now my family is great (my kids and Mom), but it would be nice to have other people to chat with. I've started meeting new people at the Y plus have joined another group where I have started to talk to other people. I might even try to start up another group in my area.

[mermaid]

:D Am, relatively very new to this forum, I, admire your honesty, the feeling you have express on your relationships. My advice to you is live life to the fullest. I, have always believe that everyone has a match in this world and that's includes you. Your match will fine you. Be happy for the moment enjoy life and the new friends that come along. :-)

[Razbo]

Hey there, girlfriend....I just want to throw my 2 cents into the mix:

First of all, I feel for you.

Here are my thoughts on love, feelings, relationships, your job, your family, etc etc etc.....:

WHATEVER is meant to be, WILL BE! Please keep that in mind. "Things" happen for a reason in life, and if it is meant to be, it will sweetheart! Trust me on this, please. You ALSO have to trust your heart!!!

Good luck with all your "next moves", and keep us posted....we're rooting (cheering) for you!!!!!

:-P

[SunshineRain]

Thanks for the support!

I had a little bump in the road when my laptop computer crashed and burned on me. I'm back on track again though.

Nothing exciting to report though. :)

Actually, there is a woman at the local gym that I go to that I am thinking about asking out for coffee/hot chocolate/tea. She seems like a very friendly person and would probably make a great friend. She works at the gym. I've talked to her several times and my son thinks she is nice.

Speaking of my son, I am very proud of him. The other day we we were talking about dating. I mentioned that there are many ways to date other people. I asked him if I were to date a woman in the future, if it would bother him at all. He said it would not and that he would be happy for me if I met someone special to spend time with. I thought that was very thoughtful of him. :)

On the other hand, I was also talking to my mother on a similar line of topic. She was not so open to the idea. I guess she needs more time.

I will have to see what the future holds for me.....

[SunshineRain]

I thought I would post an update to this post.

Let's see...
Life has improved greatly for me since I started this post.
I met a special woman and have now been dating her for four months. We are taking things slow but so far everything is coming along great. I feel very happy and comfortable in this relationship.
My Mom and kids know about the relationship and all think the world of her.
My girlfriend and I both socialize with a lesbian group around an hour away from where we live and have great fun. We especially enjoy going to the dances.

p.s./ you were right Lovie...patience was definately key. :)

[incrediblolo]

Good for you girl!