I dont know what to do....:(

[LadyDeath91]

Okay i feel terrible for the past weeks now. I'm sorry if this story will be a little long, but maybe you can understand my whole situation if i tell everything, and you're the only ones i have right now...
I lived for over 15 years at my grandparents because my parents never had time for me 'cause of their work. My grandfather beat me for every little thing when I was little and even older. Like if i would take his pencil, he would have killed me. My mom never did anything against that, she didnt care, cause she was in the same situation when she was younger i guess.
Then my parents suddenly divorced when i was 12 years old. It made everything even worse because the only "normal" person in my family is my dad.
My mom didnt allow me to see my dad. I didnt see him for 3 years 'till i was 15, then i descided to just visit him and that i shouldnt care what my mom says. And he changed so bad this past 3 years, we couldnt even talk 'cause he didnt care.....it was so hard to see that.
And in Germany there are different schools. Class 1-4 is called "Grundschule" here. Then after the 4th grade the teacher descides where you go. "Gymnasium" ( best school ), "Realschule" ( not as good as gymnasium ) or "Hauptschule" ( the worst one ) ( and there is "Sonderschule" too for handicapped people ).
I went to Gymnasium 'till the 9th grade. Everything was fine. I was 14 years old then.
But then the situation with my grandpa went even worse. He beat my grandma 'tilll she had to go to the hospital. I tried to defend her but he just beat me too.
And i didnt want to live only with my grandpa. But i had to....and you can imagine how that looked like. I became very bad in school cause the whole thing just broke my heart. I had to repeat the 9th grade. And then the whole pressure of my mom, which i couldnt take.......I didnt make the 9th grade again. ...
My friends just didnt understand me...cause everything in their family was fine.
I moved to my mom, cause i didnt want to live at my grandparents anymore. That was last Christmas when i was 15. It became even worse at my mom. She blamed me that she and my dad had to divorce, and she gave me so much guiltiness. It just killed me inside. Then ( thank god ) i was youtubing one day - and discovered Ellen. That was the best thing that ever happened in my live.

Anyway. I had to go to "Hauptschule" this summer. The worst school. I have/had the best marks. But i hated the people in there. It is/was my last chance. All the kids in there just think about their drugs and with who they gonna get in bed next. I just feel that im in the wrong place. Then they started beating me last month ago cause they wanted money. I have no chance against 6 16years old boys. I always came with big injuries and bruises back at home. Talked to my mom who didnt care, she just wanted me to be good in school. Then i talked to my teachers and they only send the guys to home but that makes it even more worse. They will get revenge i guess.
And like 2 weeks ago my best friend died because she killed herself. It was the badest thing that ever happened in my live.......she was just gone....
Since then me and my other friends never spoke again cause they hated me and they blame it on me cause i didnt have alot of time for them. Tried to speak with them some days ago but they still ignore me..

So right now i have no friends, i have a bad family, and i have to go to school where i have to fear that i get killed one day.:xmas_10: I cant do that anymore. It just hurts me so much to see those people in this school. I dont wanna go there anymore......im so depressed....nothing good happened to my live ( except that i found ellen & this site ... ). I really cant go to this school anymore....
I wanted to kill myself too, cause why should i live? Is there any sense?
I just wanna run away from here....but where? I have nowhere to go...:xmas_10:
I cant take it...
And i cant go to the school anymore, we have group exams next week like last week ( i became the most worse mark because of the others ) and my group just doesnt care about the marks... I cant do that:xmas_10:My mom was so mad the last time...
The only person who brings me to laugh is Ellen. Without her i wouldnt be here right now. Shes just great. And i love you all so much you have no idea, and you are the only ones i can trust right now. I know that you all will support me and thanks for that...I won't be on the internet that much like i used to. My mom is taking my PC away, cause she says that Ellen is the reason why im so depressed......she just doesnt understand me. Without Ellen im going to die....
The whole situation just breaks my heart.... it kills me from the inside....
And im so sorry for you guys that i won't be able to post the clippings of the day for some time:xmas_20: but just to let you know, you're the greatest people that i've ever met in my life...

Sorry for my bad english but i really cant think right now.
Its just too much for me
oh boy.....
I dont know what to do...:xmas_10:

[maddog]

OMG OMG OMG, I wish I could fly you to Australia to get you out of that terror. You poor girl. HUGS HUGS HUGS. I dont know what to do or say. No one should ever have to live like that :mad:. DONT KILL YOURSELF, thats not the way out. All I can say is if you need to write me just to get stuff off you chest I'll PM you my home address. I wish you best of luck. Im so sorry.

[i_love_ellen]

OMG OMG OMG, I wish I could fly you to Australia to get you out of that terror. You poor girl. HUGS HUGS HUGS. I dont know what to do or say. No one should ever have to live like that :mad:. DONT KILL YOURSELF, thats not the way out. All I can say is if you need to write me just to get stuff off you chest I'll PM you my home address. I wish you best of luck. Im so sorry.
i feel the same way!!! if i could i would drive down there and make you live with me....feed you,take care of you anything! I PM'D you derya.I love ya girl.

[mazzerd]

Oh sweetheart :( BIG HUG for you :(

[Anne23]

/me hugs LD real tight :)
you know where to find me and we can talk if u want :) even voice talk :P
was wondering where u were actually yesterday but o well thought u were just tired from ur exam....
Anne
:)

[one_dream_closer]

You are really a strong person! I think noone would have gussed what you are going through if you had never mentioned. This shows a very strong person with much integrity. And is really important lesson for life. As they say ''what does not kill us it makes us stronger''

i hate giving advice in general. I think once experience is useless to the others. So I will just tell you what i do in difficult situations.

First of all if everything is going wrong I try to think that ''how worse can it go'' And in your case I don't think it can become worse. So inevitably the only way is to go better. The second thing is that since you have managed to go all these things and still be such a lovable person who never blames anyone (I would expect more hate with a situation like that but no ) it means you don't have to afraid anything. I mean most of the people who have ''normal'' lives live consantly under the fear that ''if something goes wrong what do i do?'' You don't have that fear and is a real advantage.

And in more practical level. I think you should stick finishing school and try to get to the college. And as soon as you finish school just moove out from parents and grandparents. Just put another scenario in your mind. Lets say they never existed. What would you do? You would have to survive. The same here. Don't spend too much time on trying to understand them or fix things now. And most importantly don't blame yourself. Initially try you to be good with yourself and then look back. And as long as you leave home and your certain environment I think it will be good. When we live in certain circumstances we tend to believe that everything is or should be like that. But that is not truth. There is always an option and its on us. Maybe its brave to stay on the ship that sinks but in longterm is more clever and brave to jump out of it swim and when you feel secure then you can go back and ask for help.

I really give a lot of credits to you for your courage!

[maddog]

You are really a strong person! I think noone would have gussed what you are going through if you had never mentioned. This shows a very strong person with much integrity. And is really important lesson for life. As they say ''what does not kill us it makes us stronger''

i hate giving advice in general. I think once experience is useless to the others. So I will just tell you what i do in difficult situations.

First of all if everything is going wrong I try to think that ''how worse can it go'' And in your case I don't think it can become worse. So inevitably the only way is to go better. The second thing is that since you have managed to go all these things and still be such a lovable person who never blames anyone (I would expect more hate with a situation like that but no ) it means you don't have to afraid anything. I mean most of the people who have ''normal'' lives live consantly under the fear that ''if something goes wrong what do i do?'' You don't have that fear and is a real advantage.

And in more practical level. I think you should stick finishing school and try to get to the college. And as soon as you finish school just moove out from parents and grandparents. Just put another scenario in your mind. Lets say they never existed. What would you do? You would have to survive. The same here. Don't spend too much time on trying to understand them or fix things now. And most importantly don't blame yourself. Initially try you to be good with yourself and then look back. And as long as you leave home and your certain environment I think it will be good. When we live in certain circumstances we tend to believe that everything is or should be like that. But that is not truth. There is always an option and its on us. Maybe its brave to stay on the ship that sinks but in longterm is more clever and brave to jump out of it swim and when you feel secure then you can go back and ask for help.

I really give a lot of credits to you for your courage!

I totally agree with what ODC has written. Very good stuff to think about. And yes LD, I too think you are very strong!!!

[Tolaoi]

:xmas_20:damn ...im really sad about the hole situation urs ...in those kinda situations the best are ur friends ...but i see u dont even have them in ur town...But here we all ur Friends/Familly and bealice me Gurl we are all minds with U...big Hugssss Lady ...and please dont do anything which can kill`s U...i know that those words are just empty words b/c we dont know how u fell everyday ..but gurl we are here for U ...and just wanna say big hugs 4 U ..remember we are for U..and we gonna be here always

[sweden]

Awww.... I feel so sorry for you, NO ONE should have to go through this :mad: At times like this I really hate that the world is so big, 'cause if it wasn't, we would all go and give you a big hug. I'm really bad at giving advice, but I just want you to know that you're a great person and I wish that everything is going to work out for you, and remember we love ya :)

[tcsced]

OMG, Derya, hand in there honey! I feel so bad for you right now!!! Like everyone else here, I wish I could come and get you and take you away from that mess!! Please don't kill yourself, that's not the way out!!

Don't worry, everything will be okay in time, and I and everyone here will be thinking about you and praying for you every day and night!! We love you!!! We know we'll see you back on here soon!

[JodieLee]

That is a very bad stiuation :xmas_10:
It must be very hard for you I'm so sorry.

When you need anybody to talk you can write me a pm or something ;)

[Kristen101]

You are really a strong person! I think noone would have gussed what you are going through if you had never mentioned. This shows a very strong person with much integrity. And is really important lesson for life. As they say ''what does not kill us it makes us stronger''

i hate giving advice in general. I think once experience is useless to the others. So I will just tell you what i do in difficult situations.

First of all if everything is going wrong I try to think that ''how worse can it go'' And in your case I don't think it can become worse. So inevitably the only way is to go better. The second thing is that since you have managed to go all these things and still be such a lovable person who never blames anyone (I would expect more hate with a situation like that but no ) it means you don't have to afraid anything. I mean most of the people who have ''normal'' lives live consantly under the fear that ''if something goes wrong what do i do?'' You don't have that fear and is a real advantage.

And in more practical level. I think you should stick finishing school and try to get to the college. And as soon as you finish school just moove out from parents and grandparents. Just put another scenario in your mind. Lets say they never existed. What would you do? You would have to survive. The same here. Don't spend too much time on trying to understand them or fix things now. And most importantly don't blame yourself. Initially try you to be good with yourself and then look back. And as long as you leave home and your certain environment I think it will be good. When we live in certain circumstances we tend to believe that everything is or should be like that. But that is not truth. There is always an option and its on us. Maybe its brave to stay on the ship that sinks but in longterm is more clever and brave to jump out of it swim and when you feel secure then you can go back and ask for help.

I really give a lot of credits to you for your courage!

i agree 100% and i couldn't have said it better myself.

please, please, please pm me anytime! i know what you're going through and i'm not really good at giving advice since i've often felt the way you do, but i'm always here to listen. like ellen always says "this too shall pass" so don't give up. everyone on this site is here for you whenever you need us. we love you so so much! *BUG HUG*

[Stephie22]

hy derya.

I didnt know about your situation. Its really sad. we often talk about on msn so If you have tell me there or If you want we can phone.

And please dont even think about on killing yourself , even If you Life is like shit now you only have one Life dont throw it away.

Your a strong and great Person and for that I admire you. :)

[jjjoan]

Derya u are a smart, strong person! we all love u sweetest! Please don't even think about on killing yourself! i couldn't have said it better than one_dream_closer. pls read and think again. BIG HUG!!!

You are really a strong person! I think noone would have gussed what you are going through if you had never mentioned. This shows a very strong person with much integrity. And is really important lesson for life. As they say ''what does not kill us it makes us stronger''

i hate giving advice in general. I think once experience is useless to the others. So I will just tell you what i do in difficult situations.

First of all if everything is going wrong I try to think that ''how worse can it go'' And in your case I don't think it can become worse. So inevitably the only way is to go better. The second thing is that since you have managed to go all these things and still be such a lovable person who never blames anyone (I would expect more hate with a situation like that but no ) it means you don't have to afraid anything. I mean most of the people who have ''normal'' lives live consantly under the fear that ''if something goes wrong what do i do?'' You don't have that fear and is a real advantage.

And in more practical level. I think you should stick finishing school and try to get to the college. And as soon as you finish school just moove out from parents and grandparents. Just put another scenario in your mind. Lets say they never existed. What would you do? You would have to survive. The same here. Don't spend too much time on trying to understand them or fix things now. And most importantly don't blame yourself. Initially try you to be good with yourself and then look back. And as long as you leave home and your certain environment I think it will be good. When we live in certain circumstances we tend to believe that everything is or should be like that. But that is not truth. There is always an option and its on us. Maybe its brave to stay on the ship that sinks but in longterm is more clever and brave to jump out of it swim and when you feel secure then you can go back and ask for help.

I really give a lot of credits to you for your courage!

[LadyDeath91]

hey guys,
thanks for your sweet comments. You really help me.
You guys seem like you are the only ones who can understand me!
And thanks for all those cute pms!

im right now in an internet cafe cause im not able to go online at home, cause of my mom. my pc is on there but she doesnt allow me to go into my room, she locked the door. how nice is that. and she punched me in the face today for the first time.
Thats great isnt it.
Im tryin to be the opposite of my mom and my grandpa, i prefer to help people than fighting with them.

have to go now again but thanks for everything, you guys are awesome!
love y'all. im tryin to be online at the weekend again, so i wont miss anything ellen-related!
Have to think about a solution about the whole situation....
peace

[ynnad]

I´m so sorry to hear about your problems. It is really a stupid situation you have. :(
To be honest, unfortunately, here we are not probably able to be a great help for you. But we can listen to you and be there for you. And think about ODC´s advice. Sounds good!
Really you seem to be a strong person. Till now you gone through very tough times. And it can´t probably become worse any more But to think about it to commit suicide is not the solution of your problems!
When I was ca. at your age I also had a little bit heavy time. Not same like you but others.
But just such things make you to become a still better and stronger person

If you need some more to listen so feel free to pm me! You´re in my thoughts

[chinook]

Im not sure of the legal system where you live but is there not someone you could tell your situation to and get some help from some kind of social services? I hope you can find someone there to help you as you are a great person and no one needs to be treated that way, Remember we are all here to support you. we are a big family and we all love you. Remember the best way to help yourself is to believe in yourself and do good in school and better yourself that way and make a life for you once you finish school. And as Ellen would tell you "keep your chin up", things will get better even if you have to make them better yourself. We love you and we are here for you.

[efil]

Wow this just breaks my heart!! :astonished: The good thing though is that you realize this is not "normal" and maybe you can't see it now, but this will make you a stronger woman.

Nobody deserves to be treated this way and I too, wish I could fly you in Korea so you'd catch a break and feel better. Someone mentionned social services...? Maybe that could help?

Kids can be so cruel, i'm sorry you have to deal with those bullies too. As for the guilt trips, well you know you're not the reason why your parents got divorced, and you're definitely not to be blamed for anything. Be strong!

And do your best in school because that'll help ya get out of the house sooner!! If you have good grades, you'll get scholarships and you won't have to rely on anyone.

I know it's hard when you have all those things on your mind though. Don't be too hard on yourself.

You are right: writing about it will be very helpful. Keep sharing, we're here for ya.

big big hug! Feel free to PM and... smile :banana:

[LadyDeath91]

I talked to my mom today.
Ill be able to come online as much as i used to next week again!
She doesnt take my PC away as long as i stop whining about school and bout the "bad guys".
Anyway i should take karate lessons or something like that to protect myself against those 6 guys...lol
Im going to try my best !
And my mom even said if get good marks etc then she would even send me to the USA to a language school! ( she just wants to get rid of me lol )
Thanks again for all your support and your sweet PMs.
Love y'all!

[ynnad]

I talked to my mom today.
Ill be able to come online as much as i used to next week again!
She doesnt take my PC away as long as i stop whining about school and bout the "bad guys".
Anyway i should take karate lessons or something like that to protect myself against those 6 guys...lol
Im going to try my best !
And my mom even said if get good marks etc then she would even send me to the USA to a language school! ( she just wants to get rid of me lol )
Thanks again for all your support and your sweet PMs.
Love y'all!

Hey, this already sounds like a good beginning. Nice to hear this!
But one advice, learn wing tsung instead of karate. It´s better!
Big hug!!!

[tcsced]

Derya, that sounds terrific...well, compared to what you initially told us!!! I hope everything works out okay for you!! That's sad about your mom wanting to get rid of you!!:mad: But just think, if you come to US, you will get to watch Ellen!:) Whatever happens I wish you the best of luck!

[maddog]

I talked to my mom today.
Ill be able to come online as much as i used to next week again!
She doesnt take my PC away as long as i stop whining about school and bout the "bad guys".
Anyway i should take karate lessons or something like that to protect myself against those 6 guys...lol
Im going to try my best !
And my mom even said if get good marks etc then she would even send me to the USA to a language school! ( she just wants to get rid of me lol )
Thanks again for all your support and your sweet PMs.
Love y'all!

Wonderful news LD91, made my day :d_yes::xmas_27:

Were still here for you 100%, to vent your troubles :)

[LadyDeath91]

Hey guys,

I'm back finally!!!
I know it was only for some days but i missed y'all so much!
Im soooo addicted to this site, i even thought about y'all in school etc lol.
Anyway im feeling better, but i've to do a group presentation tomorrow which is important.
And my Group doesnt even care. Oh well again everything on my shoulders but its doable ;)
And im going to start posting the clippings of the day on Thursday again !

And thanks again for everything guys!
Thanks for the sweet pms and replys here
You all just ROCK!
Love ya

[LadyDeath91]

I made a little something for y'all to thank you!!!

http://img520.imageshack.us/img520/4454/thanksyg2.jpg



:xmas_9::xmas_9:

[HeavensAngel332]

Derya!! Yay! I'm so glad your back, the card was beautiful!
Welcome back! These are for you!


http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o207/bicfomh/gg01/rose/ros017.gif

[LadyDeath91]

Thanks :xmas_9:

[maddog]

Glad your back LD91 :banana:, I missed you and your wonderful clips :d_yes:

[jlilest]

We all missed you and are glad you are back. :xmas_7:

[jjjoan]

I made a little something for y'all to thank you!!!

http://img520.imageshack.us/img520/4454/thanksyg2.jpg



:xmas_9::xmas_9:

very nice pic! welcome home!

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s30/jjjoan/ellen-welcome.jpg

[ivonne]

Hey girl...had been quite busy and just read your story...good to see you're back - as I said before, you can call me anytime. Hope you can work things out with your mom - and school is just a matter of time.
I know it's easiely said if you're not part of it, but just imagine all the things you gonna be able to do once you get out there with a good report.

Keep your head up!

[tcsced]

Welcome back girl! We missed you!!!

[misskitty]

Hey guys,

I'm back finally!!!
I know it was only for some days but i missed y'all so much!
Im soooo addicted to this site, i even thought about y'all in school etc lol.
Anyway im feeling better, but i've to do a group presentation tomorrow which is important.
And my Group doesnt even care. Oh well again everything on my shoulders but its doable ;)
And im going to start posting the clippings of the day on Thursday again !

And thanks again for everything guys!
Thanks for the sweet pms and replys here
You all just ROCK!
Love ya

welcome back ladyDeath91 we really missed you alot

[chinook]

welcome back lady, remember to keep your chin up, we are all here for you and remember a new year will bring you bigger and better things:)

[LadyDeath91]

Originally Posted by LadyDeath91 http://ellen.4thdimension.info/forum/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://ellen.4thdimension.info/forum/showthread.php?p=144550#post144550)
I made a little something for y'all to thank you!!!

http://img520.imageshack.us/img520/4454/thanksyg2.jpg



:xmas_9::xmas_9:

very nice pic! welcome home!

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s30/jjjoan/ellen-welcome.jpg

Thanks:xmas_9:

[sweden]

Welcome back Derya, we missed ya girl :xmas_19:

[ArmsRace]

its nice to see you here :D

[Aggie74]

Our princess is here...yay!

[Kristen101]

yay you're back! :D honestly, i've been thinking about you a lot, and i hope things are getting better for you. you're not alone. you have a family here who loves you and cares about you so so much, and im so glad to see you back here!!

[BrewkaPL]

http://img160.imageshack.us/img160/808/elljl5.jpg

[Humanafterall]

Wanna hug my teddy?
http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g208/KateB_2006/HateFreeZoneSmallTeddy-1.jpg

[petal]

Regardless of how badly we can feel mis-treated, the Care Bear is always there!!!

All the best to you LadyDeath91! :xmas_19:

http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p184/petal_bucket/kindness/carebear-1.gif

[HighAsAKite]

Welcome back LadyDeath91 can't wait for clipping of the day :)

[3llen]

welcome back girl! we missed you SOOO much! ;)

[jupiterpro]

http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u172/jupiterpro1/IMGHMKL1JCR5F.jpg
Welcome back gerl!

[LadyDeath91]

Thanks, you guys are so sweet :xmas_9:

[vanblue2003]

WELCOME BACK!!! :D:xmas_19:

[dancingelenfan]

Ooh, It's soooo sad you have to go thrue this :(

How can people be so mean??

Don't ever think that killing yourself is the solucion sweety:star_err:

Isn't there some place where you can go to get help??


well, we al here feel for you and hope that everything works out for you


kisssssesss huggggsss :)

dancingellenfan

[blanksheet]

hey...
I'm sorry for being late, but I just found your thread and read your story...
I really don't know what to say...
but it looks like things are getting a little better on your side, right?
I haven't talked to you in a while, but I guess that now with the christmas break we'll be able to chat a bit.
We are all far away, but you know everyone loves you here and you can always count on us...

*hug*