[mrscigarettes]

Ok, sorry if it's not appropriate or if there's already a thread about it. I'm new here, so maybe i didn't check everything yet... (sorry it's going to be a bit long)

BUT

i NEED to say IT ! I need to tell my story, even if we don't know each other. Saying it on this board is really important to me. In my mind, it's the first step ! I'm 23 years old, and since i'm a little girl, i have this "fascination" for women. When i was a little girl, i used to look at my friends mother at school with such admiration... Along the way, through the years, I didn't have a real boyfriend. Just guys i slept with... I was confused beacuse I can look at a guy for hours and find him cute, but once we were naked it was just a nightmare, a joke. Like sitting at a cinema watching myself with diet coke in one hand and popcorn in the other hand. I just couldn't stand looking a man naked. Just keepin my eyes closed and praying that it will stop very quickly. First i thought : "well maybe he wasn't the good one for me." And this thing was just keepin messin with my head. And then, it became worse. I had a friend who was really gorgeous, sexy. Sometimes, i was standing in front of her, looking at her talking to me, and i was like in heaven. I just had this silly smile on my face and seem to dive in her eyes (and everything else too lol). I knew that i found women very beautiful, and i just couldn't help myself looking at them the same way straight women are looking men. And then, there was this girl, absolutely beautiful, talking to me and all i wanted to do was to KISS her, to do everything with her. I just felt so comfortable with her, it was like being at home. I never felt this way with men. And time goes by...

I just carried this weight over the years. When I was 18 years old, i told my mum that i was bisexual. She just looked shoked and said : eeeer ok. It seems good but it's not. All i saw was just someone thinking to herself : "she's bisexual but she can marry a man and have kids once she will find the right one for her, someday." And she never really spoke about it again, even though i tried to. Now, it's different...

I don't really like to watch tv, plus Ellen Degeneres is not very known here, in belgium. Of course i knew about her, her show, her wedding, that she was gay. Several days ago, after looking some parts of TEDS on youtube, i thought : let's watch this famous puppy episode and her coming out.... I felt like watching myself fooling around all of those years and then maybe admitting that men were not for me. I was like : Hell, this is ME. And i thought she had the guts to do this and saying it out loud, this way. And i thought : thank you Ellen ! A real big massiv THANK YOU! But i was still a bit confused. Was it really real or not ? Did i think too fast ? Then, i've read that her ex, Alexandra Hedison, played in the L world. I never watched this serie before. Like i said, i don't watch tv that much. So i manage to see some episodes... And i was just like to myself : "what the hell are you doing ? Are you at the theater ? In which world are you living in ? Come back to earth, what you're watching right now, it's yourself. This where you belong". It may sound a bit stupid, thinking you're really gay after watching an episode but that was it ! It was a REVELATION ! It was OFFICIAL ! It was the last thing i had to feel to admit to myself : Yes, I'm GAY. It couldn't be more clear.

So the last thing i wanted to tell you is that i'm thinking about my coming out. To tell to my mum who i am. And it seems so hard... my father died 2 years ago (he knew i was bisexual by the time and was ok with it). I fear she would reject me. She is the last parent i have. BUT i think i have to tell her. I have to be honest with her, and she has the right to know what her daughter is. I think i'm going to write her a letter, she will be more comfortable reading a letter than looking in my eyes and feeling so ashame. It's going to be difficult for her, but i have to do this. What do you think about it ? I believe that the more i'm waiting the hardest it will be to tell her. Now, i'm full of strenght and if i think too much, i might want to step back.

Sorry for this looooooong post. But i felt it was important for me to tell you, on THIS board (about Ellen Degeneres - it's like a tribute lol). You all seem SO NICE . You deserve it ! I just want someone to wish me good luck lol. And to those who's planning the same thing as me, well, GOOD LUCK to you ! And thank you for your time ! (sorry for my english lol)

And yes... I'm Gay !

[Nonona]

I hope your mum will be okay with it and she'll recognize how important it's for you. Good luck!

[mrscigarettes]

thank youuu !!!

[kwill]

Good luck. I'm sure your mother will be okay with it, maybe not right away but she'll accept it and love you for who you are.
If anything it will be a big relief to tell it to someone just like writing it here probably made you smile.

Writing a letter is a good idea if you fear seeing her first reaction. That way she'll have some time to process and won't accidentally hurt your feelings by saying something stupid out of shock (if that makes any sense?)
On the other hand if you tell her face to face you get the most honest reaction, whether that's a good or a bad thing you can't really know beforehand though.

Coming out is never easy and should really not be an issue at all but unfortunately it'll probably be a long time before nobody really cares if you're gay or straight.

[mrscigarettes]

Hey Kwill, thanx a lot !

actually, if i want to write her a letter, it's not really because i fear her reaction (well, a little bit ! who wouldn't ? lol) , it's mainly because i don't want her to feel uncomfortable in front of me. She is a bit exessive and prude, so i don't want to fall into a drama scene, you know... i want her to read the letter and then, let her thinks about it and then talk with me quietly once she'll be ready to do it. I don't want to throw it at her face, she will feel very bad and i think her impression would be worst then what it's really is in reality...

And i agree with you, coming out should really not be an issue... but i think it's easier for us coming out in 2009 than coming out in 1985 ... things change, slowly but surely

[kwill]

If that's how you think your mother will react you should definitely write the letter. There's no sense in causing a fight or a drama scene if it can be avoided.